Grief/Trauma

I have been struggling with this new experience with all the associated trauma and grief. Some people have asked why I am upset, after all, Alyn wasn't my brother; I've had people try to compare their unique experience with my own; etc. etc. I have thought a lot about grief. This is what I have come up with.

One of my sister-in-laws explained her thoughts about grief being cyclical instead of linear; that she can move forward and upward, but she can still experience bad, hard, awful, triggered moments that move her downward. And then she moves forward and upward again and the cycle repeats.

To me, grief is grief; people are different. One thing can absolutely devastate someone and that same experience, to another person, could be the absolute easiest thing to over come. That being said, I HATE HATE HATE when people try to compare their experience with my own. 

This made me think about grief and trauma like an earth quake: the focus of the event has the most damaging effect, and the further you get away from the focus the less intense it is and the damage gets less and less. BUT, the shock waves of the focus are there and affect a lot more than we could ever imagine.

My goal is to care for those around me, to love them and their experiences, and to help them as best I can. I love in Revelation as John describes the celestial earth and how God the Father will be among us, that he will "wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things (the things as they are right now) are passed away" (21:4). I am praying for that day when wickedness, sadness, grief, and trauma are no longer on this earth and I won't have to watch the people I love suffer!

light of the world

The book of Revelation in the New Testament contains imagery of candlesticks. Imagery is such a powerful teaching tool because one image can mean SO many different things to SO many different people!

To me, you and I and all of us are the candlesticks. We are the instruments, the candlesticks, that hold up the light--which light, we learn in Matthew 5:14-16, is Jesus Christ. This includes our testimony, our example, and our love for each other.

The question is then, how high will you hold up your light?

Satan tries over and over and over to diminish, obstruct, or snuff out our light. This makes me think of the movie "The Never Ending Story" where Atreyu and Artax travel through the swamps of sadness. Satan wants us to give in to the sadness, to just sink into oblivion, but we need to keep the light of Jesus Christ burning brightly in our lives!

Bob Goff mentions dead reckoning in his book "Love Does". He and some of his buddies went on a sailing trip from the U.S. west coast to Hawaii without the proper training or instruments. They relied on fixing on a point and adjusting their course to keep it in sight. We need to keep ourselves turned towards the light of Jesus Christ and ever move toward him! And in His light we can feel that love and lightness and joy and happiness that everyone needs and craves for!

high school volleyball reoccurring dream

I have played volleyball for the majority of my life. I started in 9th grade, played in high school, played club, played in college, and now play pick-up games recreationally. I have had this dream so many times and it feels really authentic. So authentic, in fact, that there have been days where I actually believe I didn't play volleyball in high school! I have had to check year books and photos to sort through my confusion.

I have had the following reoccurring dream on-and-off for the past year:

I'm always in high school. And for some reason, I'm always in the hall ways, like I'm not supposed to be there. I can't remember where my locker is. On the lucky days I do find my locker, I can't remember what the combination is. I usually dial in random numbers and sometimes it opens. Inside the locker I see books, loose paper, pictures of an old locker mate I had in my actual high school, and candy. When the bell rings and people go off to class, I can't remember what class I have or where I'm supposed to go. I randomly pick a class and don't know anything they're talking about. In some version of this dream, some disaster happens (shooting, one of my actual kids is just out my reach to save them from something/someone). Through the entire dream, I am on the volleyball team, but I quit at the end of my junior year. And it almost feels like I drop out of school! I realize what a HUGE mistake I'm made and try and try and try to get back on the team. My coach won't acknowledge me. She won't tell me when try outs are for the following year. She won't let me back on the team. She won't let my teammates talk to me. She avoids me in the hallways. And when I sneak in the gym to practice, practice is cancelled! I finally wake up when I figure out when try outs are.

Diagnose that, Dr. Freud!

"find your Switzerland" C.O.P.S. 2015 Christmas Party

When I called Bob Goff, he told me to find people that I felt comfortable with, that I could be completely open and honest and be me, to find my Switzerland. Joe and I found that group of people with the Concerns Of Police Surviors (COPS) Arizona Chapter. They are amazing people! Who better to understand what we are going through than people who have gone through the exact same thing!

They recently had their Christmas Party. We packed up the kids and went to Phoenix.

We met SANTA.

We got our pictures taken in a photo booth. My favorite picture is the bottom left one. Jovi's face! I love it!

And each of the kids got to stuff a bear. This is Gracie. Jovi loves her.

I kind of don't want to leave Arizona because of this awesome group of people!

fear vs. faith

For the past 18 months I have been living in fear. If some random act (because that is exactly what the FBI labeled it) could take away Alyn, what was stopping the same thing from happening to my husband?

I had crippling anxiety every time Joe left the house! I imagined car accidents, drug-seeking psychos robbing the pharmacy, or some deranged person storming wherever Joe was for his next rotation. I have spent many hours wondering what I would/could do to support my children if anything every happened to Joe. 

Joe was home for a couple of days a while back and I relaxed; he was home, he was safe. That is when I knew that fear was running my life and something needed to change. 

1 John 4:18

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear."

In 1 Corinthians 13, we learn the many definitions of love. This chapter is directed toward the many different ways we can give love. But an interesting activity to do is read the chapter as the receiver of love; we all cannot give love all the time, someone has to be the receiver!  

Fear and faith CANNOT be in the same moment. Faith means:

1. To have confidence (full trust) in something or someone.

2. Is kindled by hearing testimonies of those who have faith.

3. Is a principle of action and power.

4. To move its possessor to some kind of physical and mental action.

When we are humble, we look to God; we care what is right, we want to do God's will, and we love people! When we express true faith we are promised many blessings. We are promised miracles, visions, dreams, healing, and ALL the gifts of God. 

Bob Goff: the phone call 10.23.15

I read a book called "Love Does" by Bob Goff. He relates his life's stories with lessons he has learned and how they relate to Jesus. IT. IS. AMAZING!! I'll chat for hours about this book to anyone and everyone. It is just that good! And I'll probably write more posts from what I have learned from him in the future.

At the end of the book he explains that Jesus loves people and he loves people, so if you want to chat with him about something in his book to call him! Yes. He gives his cell number so you can chat with him! It took me about 2 months to work up the courage to do so, but I finally called him last week. 

Mr. Goff was like a celebrity to me! I was SO nervous and excited to talk to him that I kind of exhaled a whole bunch of information that came out like, "Hi-My name is Amber Beck-I'm from Sahuarita, AZ-And I love your book!" Insert tears. Lot of them. "A year and a half ago my BIL was murdered. After it happened, I felt like God lifted me up and placed me on a different plane and has been leading me to find more love and joy and happiness when I most need it! And you're book was exactly what I needed! It was perfect timing!" He was so loving and understanding and a complete stranger! 

During the brief pause I had where I was trying to take some deep breaths and calm myself, Bob Goff said, "People are lame. They don't know what to say in those instances and don't know how to relate and they try to find some level where they can relate, 'Well, I had a puppy once and it died.' It's just not the same."

I asked him how to love the really hard people. He told me to read Phillipians 2, where we learn to esteem others as more worthy than us, which is just another name for grace. The verses that stuck out to me are in verses 3-5, 13-14.

"Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than themselves./ Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others./ Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus;/ For it is God which worth in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure./ Do all things without murmurings and disputing:/ That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world;/ Holding forth the word of life; that I may rejoice in the day of Christ, that I have not run in vain, neither labored in vain."

Bob also told me to "capture the moments," to write down what I learn so I can teach others. He also said, "find the least creepiest explanation for why they are being lame." 

He related a story of when he was teaching inside a church. A lady in the front row was wearing a boa! Not a feathery boa, but a fangs and scales boa! He was so distracted. The least creepiest explanation he came up with is, maybe she didn't know! Maybe she was walking to church and the snake fell from the trees and landed on her! 

He also mentioned to find people like Switzerland where I feel safe to be me, where I freely talk about what's going on without repercussion. 

Anyway, I'm trying to love the people around me and show grace to those lamos when we meet. 

Revelation 12:14

"And to the woman were given two wings of a great eagle, that she might fly into the wilderness, into her place, where she is nourished for a time, and times, and half a time, from the face of the serpent." i.e. the Great Apostasy

the woman = the church

the serpent = satan

The church was taken away from the earth for a time. 

My class discussed something about the apostasy that I had never thought of and, of course, I'm sharing with all y'all. After Christ was crucified, the people of that time and area went after the apostles until they were all killed or gone and the gospel was taken from the earth. God didn't take the gospel away as a punishment, rather he took the gospel away as a form of compassion. The people were not ready to accept and live the gospel, so by removing the gospel from the land, those people will not be held accountable for the truth and knowledge they did not have. Yet another way showing how loving and merciful our Father in Heaven is! 

take care. 

Bread of Life

Get ready for a mini talk! One of my goals this year is to get closer to Christ. Things are starting to open up for me and are becoming “plain and simple”. I want to share one of the insights I received recently. 

I love the duality of the scriptures and how you can learn multiple things from one scripture; even two different people can learn completely different things from the same scripture! I have been studying the different names of Christ. One name that stood out to me is “bread”:

John 6:35, 51

“And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst. … I am the living bread which came down from heaven: if any man eat of this bread, he shall live for ever: and the bread that I will give is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world.”

The bread Christ is talking about is the atonement! We eat bread during the sacrament to remember the body of Jesus Christ.

Alma 5:34

“Yea, he saith: ‘Come unto me and ye shall partake of the fruit of the tree of life; yea, ye shall eat and drink of the bread and the waters of life freely;”

Two additional names of Christ are Vine and Living Water. Vine and Water can also be tied to the sacrament through our drinking of the sacramental waters in remembrance of Christ’s blood. 

In 2 Nephi 32:3, he tells us to “feast upon the words of Christ”! All this imagery is about food and drink, and Christ wants us to feast upon them! Christ wants us to enjoy and savor and appreciate and enjoy the atonement. He wants us to use it, not just passively eat and drink a morsel each Sunday.

In the Old Testament, there is a story about God feeding the children of Israel manna and quail. The bread fell from the sky! This was in similitude of Christ’s atonement! Christ was physically feeding them, but would eventually spiritually feed them as well through the atonement! 

Revelation 2:17

“He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the hidden manna, and will give him a white stone, and in the stone a new name written, which no man knoweth saving he that receiveth it.”

Through the restoration of the gospel, we have the opportunity to go through the temple. Not only do we enjoy the blessings of baptism and the sacrament, we get to receive the blessings through the temple ordinances as well! 

Christ is the living bread! The scriptures are plain and simple and they are beautiful! 

Matthew 11:28-30

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

When I read the sacramental prayer again, I saw how beautiful the prayer really is! We have all heard the different names of Christ, but have you stopped to think about the meaning of those names? --Advocate, Gatekeeper, Holy One, Bread, Lion, Rock, Shepherd, Morning Star, Captain of Salvation, Commander, Door, Son. 

“O God, the Eternal Father, we ask thee in the name of they Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and sanctify this bread to the souls of all those who partake of it; that they may eat in remembrance of the body of the Son, and witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that they are willing to take upon them the name of thy Son, and always remember him, and keep his commandments which he hath given them, that they may always have his Spirit to be with them. Amen.”

book review: A Noble Masquerade

PG

I LOVED this book! I sat down yesterday before church and finished it last night. Good characters. Good story. Good writing. I seriously want to read it again. Right now!

Lady Miranda Hawthorne feels like a spinster at the ripe ole' age of 21. She is trying to be herself while being a lady and finding a husband who loves her for her and not for her family's fame and fortune. 

There is comedy, drama, action, and love. It reminded me a bit of "Pride and Prejudice". 

**I received a copy of this book from the publisher. This review is my own and I was not compensated for my opinion.

book review: Taken

PG

I finished this book a long long LONG time ago. I just couldn't make myself write a review because this book wasted my time and it made me uber mad. The first sentence on the book jacket specifically says that Shannon was abducted by the Jacoby crime family, but for the fist 200+ pages (Yes, 200+ pages!!), Shannon will not talk about who abducted her! Seriously? I know who abducted you because of the jacket. Get on with the story!

After the big reveal that the Jacoby family abducted her, the story finally moved forward and it was an interesting read. 

*I received a free copy of this book to review. I was not compensated.

book review: From the Start

PG

I loved this book! The characters and story were so well written that I couldn't put the book down; my house and kids suffered for the two days it took me to read this. 

Kate and Colton seem like every-day people that I'd meet on the street, except they are both semi-celebrities. I love that they both overcame their back stories in a very human way that was more realistic than fantasy. I also loved that they showed real human emotions that actually helped other people. Both Kate and Colton showed real love toward a lot of people, including strangers. This is a story that more people need to emulate in every-day life. 

**I received a free copy of this book from Bethany House publishers. This review is my own opinion. I was not compensated in any way.

BofM365: Omni 1:1-11

Day 90

Q: Why is it important to keep records of your family? Why should we keep a journal?

It's easier for me to connect with people that I know something about. Keeping a record allows future generations to connect with us on a personal level. I think it's important even now to share stories and memories with my kids about their aunts and uncles and grandparents so they get to know these family members that they don't get to see very often who love them. Writing down truths and experiences now even helps me remember.

BofM365: Jacob 6:1-13

Day 85

Q: How is repentance a continuous process? Why doesn't it end once you take the sacrament?

Because we're human.

BofM365: Jacob 5:61-77

Day 84

Q: The Lord also labored in the vineyard. What does this mean to you?

All of Jacob chapter 5 is about the allegory of the vineyard. This last chunk of scriptures is about the fourth and final visit of the Lord of the vineyard. There is a sense of urgency from the Lord of the vineyard, he almost sounds anxious. I love that he works right along side of his servants and is there 100%, not just supervising from afar off.

There are two other things that stood out to me in this last visit from the Lord. In verse 65 the Lord is giving instructions to graft in branches to his entire vineyard for the last time, but he warns his servants to not destroy all the bad branches:

And ye shall not clear away the bad thereof all at once, lest the roots thereof should be too strong for the graft, and the graft thereof shall perish, and I lose the trees of my vineyard.

I talked about something similar to this in one of my past posts; about how the wicked are permitted to be among the righteous. We are all here on Earth to gain experience and prove, once and for all, whose side we are on. The righteous and the wicked are all here, mixed together, to learn and grow and we are all gaining experience from each other.

The other thing that stood out to me in this chunk of scripture was the Lord of the vineyard declaring that the vineyard was going to be good, "like as it was in the beginning." What a promise! "In the beginning," to me, means the garden of Eden, or even our premortal lives! The peace, love, and promises for us there is a worthy goal to obtain indeed.

BofM 365: intro

One of my goals this year is to get closer to Jesus Christ. I've been working at this for the past 2.5 months and things are going pretty good thanks to, in part, for a SIL who's doing this challenge with me. We are reading The Book of Mormon.

There is an Instagram account called "bofm365" that posts a picture, scripture from The Book of Mormon, and question every day. Then, followers of that account can comment and answer the question according to their own circumstances and feelings. It has been a very awesome and positive challenge so far. Granted, I have missed a few days, but I just skip those days I have missed and read the current day's scripture. My SIL and I have been tagging, texting, and IMing are questions and answers back and forth to each other, but it's hard to go back and re-read what we have been wondering about.

So, I have decided this, my blog, will be the perfect place for me to keep a log of all of my questions and the lessons I have learned in one, electronic way. Because I have been doing this for the past two months, I will be back-posting to match the question with the day it posted on Instagram.

BofM365: Jacob 5:35-48

Day 82

Q: In Jacob 5:41 it says that the Lord wept for his wild trees after all of his work to help them grow. How can you relate that to us?

The Lord of the vineyard had done EVERYTHING he could for his vineyard to be good and bear good fruit. The Lord of the vineyard is my Savior, Jesus Christ. He atoned for me in the Garden of Gethsemane and died for me upon the cross. He has provided a way for me to live, to repent, to make it back into the presence of our Father. He waits with open arms to greet us home. He wept, and cried out, "What could I have done more for my vineyard?"

book review: Dauntless

PG

I was pleasantly surprised about this book. I read the jacket of the book and thought, "Oh no! Another Robin Hood ripoff!" Kuddos to the author for addressing this issue within the first couple of pages! She acknowledged that and tied it neatly to the story she was going to tell. Awesome!

The main characters of the book are all kids who have been orphaned because of the evil King John. The refreshing part of it was that the author kept reminding the readers that they were kids. They had a different view of the world and people around them and that was okay. They were kids thrust into an adult role but they still had their frailties.

The history behind the story was intriguing and well thought out.

The action and romance and intrigue were great! Love triangles, murder plots, mercy, humor, and revenge all had tendrils snaked throughout the book tying the characters all to each other.

I would definitely recommend this book to anyone!

BofM365: 2 Nephi 25:1-13

Day 62

Q: How would you explain our gospel in plainness to help a child or investigator understand our beliefs?

I would take Nephi's advice and keep it simple and plain without using "Mormon-speak". 

BofM365: 2 Nephi 23:1-22

Day 61

Q: What kinds of rest do you think Israel will experience in the millennium?

AMBER: During the Millennium Israel will be at literal peace. No more fighting. No more anger. No more fear. 

LIZ: We will have rest from the bombardment of distractions. No more mind numbing articles, social media, and in your face advertising all vying for our attention and loyalties! I can't wait! 2 Nephi 24:2 state out, "the land of the Lord shall be for servants and handmaids." Those that DO will inherit the kingdom.

AMBER: Joe's not quite sold on heaven. He doesn't want to work after he dies! I was re-reading an online course I took from Carol Tuttle. One thing she mentioned stood out again: you are in charge of your own experiences. I can't make my kids or husband experience things they way I want them too. I can't get them into heaven either, but I can sure pray for them!

LIZ: Sometimes I can relate with Joe, I'm hoping heaven resembles a vacation to the Bahamas!!

BofM365: 2 Nephi 21:12-34

Day 59

Q: Ensigns are referred to often in scripture. What could an ensign symbolize for us?

"God works outside as well as inside his church, and uses big things and little things for the accomplishments of his purposes." Orson F. Whitney -- an ensign is anything that brings people to Christ.

BofM365: 2 Nephi 9:15-30

Day 48

Q: What is the difference between the knowledge in verse 28 compared to verse 29? How do we ensure our knowledge is Godly?

AMBER: The difference between the two knowledges is the attitude of the recipient of the knowledge.

LIZ: The difference is that of perspective. God knows all and man knows only a small fraction of the big picture.

BofM365: 2 Nephi 8:1-25

Day 46

Q: Why do you think so many people put so much trust in the things of men instead of trying to get close to the Lord?

Man is all about instant gratification. Man trusts in man because they can get an instant reward. The rewards of Christ typically take a bit longer and are usually a bit harder as well.

police week

Joe and I were able to go up to Phoenix and attend a orientation for what to expect at National Cops Week in Washington, DC. Yowza! I am an emotional wreck! We met all the families in Arizona who have been affected by their officer being killed in the line of duty. So many people. So many lives shattered. One thing I learned: I am not crazy.

What I've learned this week in my spiritual readings:

Police Week will be an amazingly hard, beautiful, heartbreaking experience, but I'm almost eager to get it over with. We were warned again and again that whatever scab we have formed from our officers' death will be ripped off. But I will be around my family and others that COMPLETELY understand.

BofM365: 2 Nephi 2:22-3:5

Day 39

Q: What insights about parenting do we learn from this section?

There are good days and bad days; we have the bad so we can cherish the good.

BofM365: 2 Nephi 1:1-12

Day 35

Q: How have the American continents been kept sacred?

The Americas weren't discovered and populated by other nations for a long long time. This protected the American continents from wars and contentions. When we fought for freedom from Britain, our fore fathers believed in and worshipped God; creating a constitution inspired by Him.

BofM365: 1 Nephi 22:11-31

Day 34

Q: What are some things you are looking forward to during the Second Coming and the Millennium?

AMBER: I'm looking forward to having Jesus Christ back on the Earth, where we can "dwell safely in the Holy One of Israel."

LIZ: I'm looking forward to being able to trust strangers, listening to the wisdom of children, and being able to experience Christ with all of my physical senses; maybe except for taste, I'll resist the urge to lick Him! I'm looking forward to feeling safe too. So much worry and anxiety comes from feelings of not feeling safe.

AMBER: Feeling safe to be yourself, to approach complete strangers no matter their race, to let my kids roam free to explore, etc. Joe and I were talking about recognizing the savior when he comes again. There is no doubt in my mind that I will recognize him because as I try to become more like him my other senses will kick in and help.

BofM365: 1 Nephi 21:22-22:10

Day 33

Q: What does it mean that the Gentiles well nurse Israel back to health? What are some examples you have noticed?

LIZ: "The last will be first and the first will be last." Members of the church will bring the gospel to the literal descendants of Jacob--Hebrews, Jews, and Ephramites alike. Some examples would be the conversions of individuals around the world.

AMBER: Joe said they were converting people in Mongolia from every tribe! The tribes of Israel are literally being gathered.

BofM365: 1 Nephi 21:1-21

Day 32

Q: When have you been a missionary in your everyday life?

Living as a Latter-day Saint in a predominately non-LDS community sets me and my family a part and opens us up to answer questions.

BofM365: 1 Nephi 20:1-22

Day 31

Q: How have you been refined by the Lord and what have you gained from the experience?

AMBER: Oh boy. It feels like I'm in the midst of being refined and would like to get out of the fire! Verse 18: "O that thou hadst hearkened to my commandments! Then had thy peace been as a river, and thy righteousness as thew aves of the sea;" Even during those refining moments, if we have prepared our lamps and filled it with oil, we can feel that peace only the Savior can give us during those refining moments.

LIZ: I was reading in 1 Nephi 20:22 and it has given me cause to ponder: why is it that the wicked never find peace? What is it about turning away from the Lord that inhibits our ability to experience tranquility and a sense of calmness?

AMBER: I've been watching a lot of documentaries. Some about killers. In each show they talk about how the killers find "peace" in the evil acts they commit.

LIZ: We know Satan can mimic things of the Spirit and if these killers were truly feeling peace it would only seem logical that they wouldn't have to commit additional murders to find it again. Similar to pleasure vs. joy. One is short lived, the other is eternal.

BofM365: 1 Nephi 18:21-19:6

Day 29

Q: How is Nephi a type of Christ? Or, how does Nephi remind you of Christ?

LIZ: 1 Nephi 19:2; even prophets aren't given all knowledge, they are asked to act in faith just like the rest of us. Nepali is a type of Christ because he is slow to anger and quick to forgive.
AMBER: Nephi saved an entire nation! I am always amazed by his ability to love; even those that bound him and beat him.

pray always

One of the BIGGEST lessons I have learned in the past 8 months is that I have a Father in Heaven who LISTENS to my prayers. He LOVES me. He KNOWS me. He ANSWERS me.

A recent Sunday was dedicated to family and pray. A cute family of six sang "Families Can Be Together Forever".

I have a fam'ly here on earth.
They are so good to me.
I want to share my life with them through all eternity.

(Chorus): Fam'lies can be together forever
Through Heav'nly Father's plan.
I always want to be with my own family,
And the Lord has shown me how I can.
The Lord has shown me how I can.

While I am in my early years,
I'll prepare most carefully,
So I can marry in God's temple for eternity.

Such a sweet song sung by a sweet family!

In my women's meeting, we talked about praying always. All the stories that were shared were all ones I needed to hear: God wants to help us so we need to let him! I couldn't help but think about Alyn and Nicole and I just bawled and bawled. What an unfair situation we have all been thrust into. Right now I need to just keep reminding myself that God is my Father in Heaven. I need to remember that I am his daughter. I need to remember that Jesus Christ's atonement will make all wrongs right. I need to remember that I am loved. 

BofM365: 2 Nephi 18:1-22

Day 56

Q: What new insights did you find this time?

I have also had trouble with the Isaiah chapters and have felt confused over Nephi's comment that Isaiah is "plain and simple". BYUtv.org has a lot of resources where BYU professors talk about Isaiah chapter by chapter. In versus 13-14 I love the imagery that Christ is a "stone of stumbling" and a "rock of defense"; no matter how many times we stumble and sin, Christ and his atonement are there to lift us up and become our defense. Nothing can tear us down when we are firmly and solidly built on the foundation of Christ!  

denial

I have found a little home nestled deep within denial. The past 8 months have been unbelievable. Every. Single. Time. I think about June 8 I shake my head in unbelief and don't want to believe it really happened. It just doesn't make sense!

I am a migraine sufferer. I used to get them a lot when I was younger because I would worry and stress over a lot of things I couldn't control. I found a way to deal with stress and the migraines happened less frequently. And then I moved to Arizona where the sun is always shining and I started exercising. I haven't been able to control my water intake and retention and have been getting a migraine every time I exercise. Last week I had such a bad migraine that I ended up in the ER. My denial about Alyn is so solid that stress didn't even cross my mind as a reason for this headache.

In the past 12 months I have:

• had a baby
• lost a brother in law
• experienced 3 major holidays
• started exercising
• lost 15 pounds
• been home alone a lot because my husband is in graduate school/rotations

Yeesh! 

This last migraine that landed me in the ER was the worst headache I have every had. Joe had just finished his winter rotation, so we drove to a pizza joint so we could play together. I drove. When I got out of the car my entire right side of my body was numb. My foot was so numb I had a hard time keeping my shoe on. We got inside and the headache hit! It cleared enough I took Makenzie to the car where I started throwing up. Joe and the kids finished and came outside. And that is all I completely remember, the rest is blurry. I remember getting gas. I remember throwing up more and more. I remember still being numb. Joe took me to Urgent Care. They apparently gave me fluids and medicine. They apparently checked to see if I was pregnant. They eventually kicked us out at 8:00 p.m. (they close at 7) and recommended we go to the ER. We drove home to check on our kids (our Home Teacher came over and stayed with them) and went to the hospital. Joe checked me in and we waited. I remember bits and pieces of this place. They gave me more fluids and more meds. The nurse accused me of going to the hospital for JUST a headache. Joe took me home and I was finally able to fall asleep. 

What a HUGE wake up call that I need to do something, anything, to work through what has happened to me over the past 12 months; I obviously haven't handled all of them with as much skill and grace as I thought.

as an ensign

I want to be more like my Savior. I want to be close to him. I want to know him. I want to feel him in my day-to-day life.

Today, reading in the book of Isaiah I learned a couple of things.

In Isaiah 5:20 it reads, "Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter."

There have been a lot of worldly views that have been thrust into the spotlight recently; same sex marriage and physician assisted suicide to name just two. God has spoken time and time again about the sanctity of the human life he created. He does not want ANYONE to take those lives away. Period. God has also spoken time and time again on how marriage should be between a man and a woman. Period. What God has spoken should be enough. His word should count for more than it does.

I am learning that the more I come unto Christ I can recognize his voice better and more clearly. I am also learning that I can talk to Christ and that he listens and he hears and he answers. I can ask any question about anything, either big or small. If it is important to me, it is important to him.

#policelivesmatter