high school volleyball reoccurring dream

I have played volleyball for the majority of my life. I started in 9th grade, played in high school, played club, played in college, and now play pick-up games recreationally. I have had this dream so many times and it feels really authentic. So authentic, in fact, that there have been days where I actually believe I didn't play volleyball in high school! I have had to check year books and photos to sort through my confusion.

I have had the following reoccurring dream on-and-off for the past year:

I'm always in high school. And for some reason, I'm always in the hall ways, like I'm not supposed to be there. I can't remember where my locker is. On the lucky days I do find my locker, I can't remember what the combination is. I usually dial in random numbers and sometimes it opens. Inside the locker I see books, loose paper, pictures of an old locker mate I had in my actual high school, and candy. When the bell rings and people go off to class, I can't remember what class I have or where I'm supposed to go. I randomly pick a class and don't know anything they're talking about. In some version of this dream, some disaster happens (shooting, one of my actual kids is just out my reach to save them from something/someone). Through the entire dream, I am on the volleyball team, but I quit at the end of my junior year. And it almost feels like I drop out of school! I realize what a HUGE mistake I'm made and try and try and try to get back on the team. My coach won't acknowledge me. She won't tell me when try outs are for the following year. She won't let me back on the team. She won't let my teammates talk to me. She avoids me in the hallways. And when I sneak in the gym to practice, practice is cancelled! I finally wake up when I figure out when try outs are.

Diagnose that, Dr. Freud!

book review: Dauntless

PG

I was pleasantly surprised about this book. I read the jacket of the book and thought, "Oh no! Another Robin Hood ripoff!" Kuddos to the author for addressing this issue within the first couple of pages! She acknowledged that and tied it neatly to the story she was going to tell. Awesome!

The main characters of the book are all kids who have been orphaned because of the evil King John. The refreshing part of it was that the author kept reminding the readers that they were kids. They had a different view of the world and people around them and that was okay. They were kids thrust into an adult role but they still had their frailties.

The history behind the story was intriguing and well thought out.

The action and romance and intrigue were great! Love triangles, murder plots, mercy, humor, and revenge all had tendrils snaked throughout the book tying the characters all to each other.

I would definitely recommend this book to anyone!

police week

Joe and I were able to go up to Phoenix and attend a orientation for what to expect at National Cops Week in Washington, DC. Yowza! I am an emotional wreck! We met all the families in Arizona who have been affected by their officer being killed in the line of duty. So many people. So many lives shattered. One thing I learned: I am not crazy.

What I've learned this week in my spiritual readings:

Police Week will be an amazingly hard, beautiful, heartbreaking experience, but I'm almost eager to get it over with. We were warned again and again that whatever scab we have formed from our officers' death will be ripped off. But I will be around my family and others that COMPLETELY understand.

pray always

One of the BIGGEST lessons I have learned in the past 8 months is that I have a Father in Heaven who LISTENS to my prayers. He LOVES me. He KNOWS me. He ANSWERS me.

A recent Sunday was dedicated to family and pray. A cute family of six sang "Families Can Be Together Forever".

I have a fam'ly here on earth.
They are so good to me.
I want to share my life with them through all eternity.

(Chorus): Fam'lies can be together forever
Through Heav'nly Father's plan.
I always want to be with my own family,
And the Lord has shown me how I can.
The Lord has shown me how I can.

While I am in my early years,
I'll prepare most carefully,
So I can marry in God's temple for eternity.

Such a sweet song sung by a sweet family!

In my women's meeting, we talked about praying always. All the stories that were shared were all ones I needed to hear: God wants to help us so we need to let him! I couldn't help but think about Alyn and Nicole and I just bawled and bawled. What an unfair situation we have all been thrust into. Right now I need to just keep reminding myself that God is my Father in Heaven. I need to remember that I am his daughter. I need to remember that Jesus Christ's atonement will make all wrongs right. I need to remember that I am loved. 

denial

I have found a little home nestled deep within denial. The past 8 months have been unbelievable. Every. Single. Time. I think about June 8 I shake my head in unbelief and don't want to believe it really happened. It just doesn't make sense!

I am a migraine sufferer. I used to get them a lot when I was younger because I would worry and stress over a lot of things I couldn't control. I found a way to deal with stress and the migraines happened less frequently. And then I moved to Arizona where the sun is always shining and I started exercising. I haven't been able to control my water intake and retention and have been getting a migraine every time I exercise. Last week I had such a bad migraine that I ended up in the ER. My denial about Alyn is so solid that stress didn't even cross my mind as a reason for this headache.

In the past 12 months I have:

• had a baby
• lost a brother in law
• experienced 3 major holidays
• started exercising
• lost 15 pounds
• been home alone a lot because my husband is in graduate school/rotations

Yeesh! 

This last migraine that landed me in the ER was the worst headache I have every had. Joe had just finished his winter rotation, so we drove to a pizza joint so we could play together. I drove. When I got out of the car my entire right side of my body was numb. My foot was so numb I had a hard time keeping my shoe on. We got inside and the headache hit! It cleared enough I took Makenzie to the car where I started throwing up. Joe and the kids finished and came outside. And that is all I completely remember, the rest is blurry. I remember getting gas. I remember throwing up more and more. I remember still being numb. Joe took me to Urgent Care. They apparently gave me fluids and medicine. They apparently checked to see if I was pregnant. They eventually kicked us out at 8:00 p.m. (they close at 7) and recommended we go to the ER. We drove home to check on our kids (our Home Teacher came over and stayed with them) and went to the hospital. Joe checked me in and we waited. I remember bits and pieces of this place. They gave me more fluids and more meds. The nurse accused me of going to the hospital for JUST a headache. Joe took me home and I was finally able to fall asleep. 

What a HUGE wake up call that I need to do something, anything, to work through what has happened to me over the past 12 months; I obviously haven't handled all of them with as much skill and grace as I thought.

as an ensign

I want to be more like my Savior. I want to be close to him. I want to know him. I want to feel him in my day-to-day life.

Today, reading in the book of Isaiah I learned a couple of things.

In Isaiah 5:20 it reads, "Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter."

There have been a lot of worldly views that have been thrust into the spotlight recently; same sex marriage and physician assisted suicide to name just two. God has spoken time and time again about the sanctity of the human life he created. He does not want ANYONE to take those lives away. Period. God has also spoken time and time again on how marriage should be between a man and a woman. Period. What God has spoken should be enough. His word should count for more than it does.

I am learning that the more I come unto Christ I can recognize his voice better and more clearly. I am also learning that I can talk to Christ and that he listens and he hears and he answers. I can ask any question about anything, either big or small. If it is important to me, it is important to him.

just keep running

On September 27, 2014 I ran/walked this route in honor of Alyn. A lot of the Beck family was in Las Vegas, NV running in the Saints and Sinners half marathon. Joe and I wanted to do something in Sahuarita, so we ran our own 5k, which I found out later was actually a lot further than the initial 3.11 miles. I hadn't ran for very long before this date and was sorely unprepared. I ended up walking a lot of it mainly because I couldn't and because it was dark dark dark outside. There was a thunderstorm brewing in the distance, bugs were attracted to my head lamp, and bats were buzzing me trying to eat the bugs around me.

On December 6, 2014 I ran this route again. I have been running pretty consistently since September and was better prepared for this run. I got sick and had to take a minor break. My goal is still to run in a half marathon with my family next year in Las Vegas.

I miss Alyn and hurt for the pain and loss of so many of my loved ones. I usually end up crying, but it is good to remember and talk about Alyn.

Never give up! Never give in!

When "Million Dollar Baby" came out I was 22 years old. I loved the story about an underdog making it big in a tough sport, but I HATED. HATED. HATED. how the story ended! My BIL and I got into a pretty heated argument about the pros and cons of an athlete killing themselves because they got hurt. In my book, killing yourself is NEVER an option. Even if you think your life is hard and you think you're not going to experience a good quality of life, suicide should never be an option.

All this hullabaloo about physician assisted suicide makes my blood boil and makes me sad. One of my aunts shared this article on Facebook that summed up pretty much how I feel about the whole situation.

My mom is one tough cookie. She has the type of arthritis that can't be cured, just maintained among several other health issues. She is in constant pain and you can tell when she moves that her body hurts. But she is a mover! She has more energy that I do! She gardens, she goes for walks, she cleans her house, she parties, she does genealogy, and she is there for all 8 of her kids, our spouses, and their 33 grandkids

My mom reading a story to Jovi. She flew down to help me out when I had Makenzie.

My brother, Jeff, was paralyzed from the waist down when he was in his 20s. His outlook on life in the beginning wasn't one of rainbows and unicorns. Instead of giving up, he gave it his all! He got married, had four kids, played basketball for the Wheelin' Utah Jazz, played basketball in the Athens' Paralympics, won tennis tournaments, raced in half marathons, served handicap people around the world and inspired young adults.

My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer five years ago. She went through EVERYTHING and she is still with us today. I know she doesn't want to go through that again. But I also know that she is one of the most happy, sincere, fun people I know.

Celebrating the news that Vickie was cancer free! 

If these family members would have opted for physicians assisted suicide when they were dealt their crappy hands, they would have missed out on all of life's little and big triumphs! The whole reason we are here on this Earth is to gain experience and to PROVE to our Heavenly Father that we can take the muck with the miracles. We can learn. We can grow. We can overcome. We can love. We can forgive.

All this hullabaloo about physician assisted suicide makes me sad. It makes me sad for all those brave people who are fighting their own battles with sicknesses and have to hear the world glorify someone choosing to kill themselves. It makes me sad that someone would kill themselves when there are so many who are murdered everyday who would LOVE one more day with their loved ones; to hold them, to kiss them, to talk to them, to laugh with them.

Never give up! Never give in! Prove it everyday.

stuck

I am a black and white person, right and wrong. I love lists, being organized, and decluttering. I take in a lot of what is happening around me and can feel the energy. It takes me longer to warm up to people, to trust them; and even longer to warm up to people who have lost my trust--I relate to the poor Mr. Darcy in "Pride and Prejudice". I am a black and white person, but lately am living in gray.

I need to make sense of June 8, 2014 but it doesn't. I need to find acceptance of what happened but I can't. I am stuck.

serving with love

My mom was here taking care of me, my kids, and my house for 15 days after I had Makenzie. As I was sitting around a lot letting things heal, I read out of one of my church's magazines where the messages shared were ones that I needed to hear again.

Joe just finished his second year of pharmacy school. I guess I didn't have a realistic idea of how much work Pharmacy school was going to be and how little time me and my kids would have to see him. Let me tell you, pharmacy school is hard and time consuming and we hardly ever see Joe.

There are three articles that especially touched me and made me realize the changes I need to make in order to make the next two years of pharmacy school better for me and my three kids.

The first article talked about Jesus Christ's atonement for each one of us. Not only did He die for each one of us, but he wants to enliven us and enable us to do good and become better in ways that stretch us far beyond our mortal capacities.

"We also will pray for the strength to learn from, change, or accept 

our circumstances rather than praying relentlessly for God to change our circumstances 

according to our will."

The next talk was about gratitude. Instead of being grateful for things, we can be grateful in our circumstances, whatever they may be; we can choose to be grateful, no matter what.

These are three of my favorite talks so far. These are just clips. You can watch these talks and more at www.lds.org.

Makenzie

My original due date was May 19 but because of Joe's schedule--he had finals the week before and was starting the VALOR program the following week--May 16 was really the only day that Joe could be at the birth so that's the day I was induced. 

My mom flew in from Utah to spend the next 15 days with us. Joe and I packed up our things on May 16 and went to the hospital. I was hooked up to my Pitocin and fluids around 11:00 a.m. and I had Makenzie at 3:58 p.m. 

Being induced sucks. They are monster contractions that start hard and fast and don't let up. My doc broke my water right after I got my epidural.  There was SO much fluid that they had to get three additional towels! My epidural made it up to my knees before quitting. The anesthesiologist tried again and this time it went to my waist except for a window on my left side! After pushing more meds and rearranging myself, the epidural finally worked and I was ready to push. 

I reacted to one of the meds they gave me and my blood pressure plummeted to 70. Oxygen fixed that and 30 minutes later Miss Makenzie was born!

Makenzie was really alert. Her eyes were open and she just kind of took everything in without crying very much. Don't worry though, her apgar scores were high and she was healthy. 

Corban instantly loved Makenzie and wants to constantly kiss and touch and talk to her. Jovi could care less, but she is soft and mostly observant (she almost walked on top of Makenzie while watching a show today). 

visiting Utah part II

In my last post, I mentioned we went to Utah for the month of March. I was 7 months pregnant and drove the entire 18 hours by myself with two kids. Crazy? Yes. Desperate for adult company. Yes. Worth it? YES!

Three miracles happened on this particular trip.

1. When we travel to see family we usually go through Las Vegas where Joe has a brother who lives there. The plan was for me and the kids to drive there, take a day to recuperate and then drive the rest of the way to Logan. Right as I am pulling into Las Vegas, my check engine light came on. Yikes. I got it checked out at Auto Zone (did you know they do FREE diagnostics?!) and it was only a little part replacement problem that my fantastic BIL, Alyn, fixed for me that night.

2. We were about two hours away from Las Vegas when my cruise control went out. Seriously?! This baby of mine is sitting so low there is an incredible amount of pressure and pain in my pelvis and back region. Having to use my foot to actually push the pedal was a little torturous. I would periodically check the cruise control to see if it would work occasionally and it never turned back on. I still had 8 hours to go! When I left Las Vegas I remembered the story of the lepers that Jesus Christ healed by telling them to wash seven times. They did, and they were healed. I thought, if seven times is a good number for them, it's a good number for me. I pushed the cruise control button seven times AND IT TURNED BACK ON!

3. My kids are busy. They love to move. And they love to pick on each other. I put Corban in the third row of our car and Jovi in the second row and they were kiddy-corner to each other so they still couldn't touch each other. I had movies, books, treats, and we stopped every two hours to stretch our legs and use the bathroom (remember, I was seven months pregnant). They were absolute GEMS on the ride to Utah. There were some minor fights and arguments, but it was AMAZING at how well they did.

I had a great trip, but am so glad to be home!

visiting Utah

Joe is in the worst and hardest year of pharmacy school (I've also heard rumors that the first semester of the third year isn't all that great either. Hooray!) so the kids and I packed up the car and we headed to Utah.

I got to see my new niece for the first time and she got blessed too! Too bad she won't really let anyone else beside her mom hold her. We played outside and Jovi did NOT like it! She was always complaining about it being too cold. It was in the 40s and 50s. Heaven! My parents recently returned home from their 18 month mission so they and my kids got reacquainted for the three weeks we were there. We also got some library story time in at the local library.

I celebrated my 32 birthday! Jovi had to sample the cake before we sang Happy Birthday. Chris and Vickie and their families came over. We went to The Jump Zone where the kids jumped, swung, and played on tramps and foam pits. Having Uncle Eric and Uncle Chris and grandpa throw them in the foam pit was heaven for my kids. We've been in Arizona for about two years now and I have been going through some withdrawals with some local companies in Cache Valley. I went to The Pepperidge Farm outlet store and stocked up on toffee covered milanos and gold fish crackers. We've already ate through 2 bags!

It was good to be around other adults, see family, and have help. Did I mention I was seven months pregnant?

activity cubes

I saw this idea from a child blog I follow and they are also all over Pinterst, of course. I have very active kids. They are constantly moving, playing, teasing each other, and being kids. They are also really good at pushing each other's buttons, including my own. This art of button-pushing would usually end up with one or both crying and one or both in their rooms for a time-out. But timeouts weren't working. I saw these activity cubes and inspiration struck! 

What if these helped my kids get a long better? What if I could use these instead of timeouts? Doesn't that sound wonderful? 

Epic fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. 

My kids love these dice so much that they love playing with them, but they cannot seem to grasp the concept of sharing and end up fighting over the dice. I tried to referee and got smacked in the head with a corner of one of the die.

My version of this activity cube is as follows:

I used two dice instead of just one. This way the number dice tells how many of the activity they need to do. My activities included:

Flap like a bird.

Spin in a circle.

Run from the front door to the back door.

P.E. (This one has more detail to it that I'll explain in a bit).

Dance Party!

Hop on one foot.

There were so many activities that sounded fun to me, so I cheated and made the P.E. have 6 additional activities. They include:

1. wall sit

2. somersaults

3. jump

4. sit ups

5. push ups

6. jumping jacks

So, the number dice tells the kids which sub-activity they do and how many/long they do that activity. It has been so much fun watching my 5 year-old do these activities. The jumping jacks and push ups are my favorite to watch! 

So, this obviously isn't taking the place of timeouts but this is a fun thing that my kids like doing. What do you do for those "timeout" times?

TPiR 101

I've always had dreams of coming on down at The Price is Right. I would watch TPiR with my dad every chance I got. Even now I watch TPiR with my kids; eating popcorn and playing along with the games. The lights, the games, the prizes, everything was so enticing to me and looked like a lot of fun! Me and a couple friends in college tried getting on the show during spring break and during the Bob Barker era to no avail.

Fast forward a lot of years. Joe is starting his second semester of his second year of pharmacy school and I'm hoping me and the kids get to see him at least on Sundays. I was looking at TPiR tickets and saw they were doing a baby shower special (bonus that I'm pregnant) AND it was during Joe's Christmas break. We got priority tickets and made a fast 2.5 day trip to California. We saw my sister and her family, went to TPiR, and then drove the 8 hours home so Joe could make it to his rotation by 4 p.m. (which we made, barely).

Here are a few things I learned about TPiR:

1. The set is TINY! I'm talking teeny tiny. The show makes it look like a GINORMOUS room with loads of space. Nope. They have the showcase area where they occasionally play a game, three "rooms" where they have the fold-away doors to reveal really BIG prizes, and the main floor where everything else is played.

2. It is loud. A man on stage has to show cards of the people who are called to be contestants. One game they revealed three prizes: a computer, washer/dryer/ and another prize. I didn't hear or see that the computer was an iMac and was totally adamant that the contestant was totally wrong with her selection.

3. There are A LOT of cameras. So many, in fact, that it's really hard to see the games being played on stage. I had to watch what was going on on one of the mounted TVs.

4. George Gray is pretty awesome. 

5. It takes 4 hours to get through screening. And four hours on bleacher type seating to a pregnant lady is torture! But, you get to know the people around you pretty well.

6. Food is available. During the 4 hours of screening, we were lucky enough to get offered an actual meal. Buy one. It is a lot of food and pretty expensive. They also provide snacks. My advice: bring something to eat with you.

7. Wear a catchy shirt. Most of the people who made an effort to make a shirt or dress up in non-normal attire were seated where the cameras saw them the most. Joe and I were front and center, about 5 rows back.

8. Don't blow the interview. Part of the screening process is where a producer comes out and briefly chats with wannabe contestants. They want to know who you are, what you do, and where you're from. Come up with catchy things to say. Our producer did not like my answer of being a mom. In fact, he kind of mocked me and moved on. Jerk!

Since it was a baby shower special, only pregnant women were selected as contestants. I wasn't selected and did not win a new car. Bummer! The entire audience did receive a fancy-smancy diaper bag though.

Our shirts centered around us not knowing what the gender of our baby was. Joe had recipe cards and I had an oven. Joe and I were invited on stage where we met Drew Carey and he opened our card for us. We're having a ........ tune in to The Price is Right March 3. They may show our gender reveal during the show, or they may just air it on their website.

let's party!

I love perusing Pinterest and admiring all the fun and amazing things people accomplish. I saw this image and HAD TO MAKE IT. 

How festive and fun is this?!

I ordered WAY MORE ping pongs than I needed off of Amazon. I used a seam ripper from my sewing kit to make my little holes. My lights had a little hinge on the side so I didn't even need to worry about hot gluing the loose lights to the balls. Bonus!

I hung the lights during Christmas for a friends birthday party in December and I am planning on leaving them up for the New Year. 1) because I'm still morning sick and 2) they just add a little flare and fun because I'm missing my Christmas decorations.

Now, I have a HUGE bag of ping pong balls and don't know what to do with them. What projects have you seen or done that include ping pongs.

psych

This is not about the best comedy on T.V. but about being fooled into believing something so vehemently that I was crushed when I realized my mistake:

Joe has 2.5 years left of pharmacy school.

I knew this. I know this. But somehow my gifted math brain mis-calculated the time and I got excited thinking he was going to be finished with school in less than a year! Since this pregnancy has made my body react very strongly and very negatively toward chocolate, sympathy fruit candy can be sent instead.

pregnancy lessons PART 2

Two weeks ago I shared PART 1 of this two part series. So, without further ado:

What Pregnancy Has Taught Me Thus Far

• When I am sick, I just want my mom!
• Everybody smells, even me.
• Surviving becomes #1 priority. 
• It doesn't matter what my other kids are wearing, even if it's just underpants.
• It doesn't matter what my other kids eat, as long as they have something to eat.
• I CAN throw up nothing.
• I become a withering mass of emotion; pet and home insurance commercials. Need I say more?
• Sleep is the BEST medicine.
• Eat foods that taste okay coming back up. NO APPLES!!
• Pregnancy sweat is AWFUL.
• NEVER. EVER. NEVER throw up in the shower.
• Eat plenty of fiber!
• Something that tastes good one day can be REVOLTING the next.
• Staying hydrated when you're vomiting is a delicate balance.
• I can't sneeze without peeing just a little.

Bonus things I have learned! (I have watched A LOT of TV in the past couple of months, most of it being about nature.)

• Hyenas are lead by a matriarch.
• She and all the other females have fake penises and try to mate with each other when they are little.
• Baby hyena siblings will automatically try to kill each other to take out the competition. 

pregnancy lessons PART 1

Joe and I decided that we were gonna try again to have another baby. I made some stipulations about getting pregnant again after I had baby #2: 1) I didn't want to be pregnant in my late 30s and 2) I didn't want to be pregnant during the hot summer months in Southern Arizona. This left us a small window, especially after miscarrying earlier this year. I'll spare you the details, but a short time later I got this little piece of happy news!

Miscarrying is never an easy thing, or any kind of loss. The next pregnancy, for me any way, is spent worrying a bit more than is necessary. I wasn't sick and asked my family to send thoughts and prayers our way.

Six weeks later, this was my daily view.

I am now 12 weeks pregnant and am still sick! I have been sick for 5 months for my last two pregnancies!! Needless to say, my family and house has taken a hit and have been a bit neglected and my kids have been very creative on how they entertain themselves.

Jovi planted herself in the laundry basket while I attempted to fold clothes. She sat in there all day!

Corban is a bottomless pit! He is CONSTANTLY eating. He asked me what he could have to eat and I told him anything he could reach. So, he grabbed two chairs and got the good stuff on the top shelf. There's no stopping this kid!

bouncy baby ...

Announcing! 
Baby Beck #3. Due May 19, 2014