fear vs. faith

For the past 18 months I have been living in fear. If some random act (because that is exactly what the FBI labeled it) could take away Alyn, what was stopping the same thing from happening to my husband?

I had crippling anxiety every time Joe left the house! I imagined car accidents, drug-seeking psychos robbing the pharmacy, or some deranged person storming wherever Joe was for his next rotation. I have spent many hours wondering what I would/could do to support my children if anything every happened to Joe. 

Joe was home for a couple of days a while back and I relaxed; he was home, he was safe. That is when I knew that fear was running my life and something needed to change. 

1 John 4:18

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear."

In 1 Corinthians 13, we learn the many definitions of love. This chapter is directed toward the many different ways we can give love. But an interesting activity to do is read the chapter as the receiver of love; we all cannot give love all the time, someone has to be the receiver!  

Fear and faith CANNOT be in the same moment. Faith means:

1. To have confidence (full trust) in something or someone.

2. Is kindled by hearing testimonies of those who have faith.

3. Is a principle of action and power.

4. To move its possessor to some kind of physical and mental action.

When we are humble, we look to God; we care what is right, we want to do God's will, and we love people! When we express true faith we are promised many blessings. We are promised miracles, visions, dreams, healing, and ALL the gifts of God. 

Bob Goff: the phone call 10.23.15

I read a book called "Love Does" by Bob Goff. He relates his life's stories with lessons he has learned and how they relate to Jesus. IT. IS. AMAZING!! I'll chat for hours about this book to anyone and everyone. It is just that good! And I'll probably write more posts from what I have learned from him in the future.

At the end of the book he explains that Jesus loves people and he loves people, so if you want to chat with him about something in his book to call him! Yes. He gives his cell number so you can chat with him! It took me about 2 months to work up the courage to do so, but I finally called him last week. 

Mr. Goff was like a celebrity to me! I was SO nervous and excited to talk to him that I kind of exhaled a whole bunch of information that came out like, "Hi-My name is Amber Beck-I'm from Sahuarita, AZ-And I love your book!" Insert tears. Lot of them. "A year and a half ago my BIL was murdered. After it happened, I felt like God lifted me up and placed me on a different plane and has been leading me to find more love and joy and happiness when I most need it! And you're book was exactly what I needed! It was perfect timing!" He was so loving and understanding and a complete stranger! 

During the brief pause I had where I was trying to take some deep breaths and calm myself, Bob Goff said, "People are lame. They don't know what to say in those instances and don't know how to relate and they try to find some level where they can relate, 'Well, I had a puppy once and it died.' It's just not the same."

I asked him how to love the really hard people. He told me to read Phillipians 2, where we learn to esteem others as more worthy than us, which is just another name for grace. The verses that stuck out to me are in verses 3-5, 13-14.

"Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than themselves./ Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others./ Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus;/ For it is God which worth in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure./ Do all things without murmurings and disputing:/ That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world;/ Holding forth the word of life; that I may rejoice in the day of Christ, that I have not run in vain, neither labored in vain."

Bob also told me to "capture the moments," to write down what I learn so I can teach others. He also said, "find the least creepiest explanation for why they are being lame." 

He related a story of when he was teaching inside a church. A lady in the front row was wearing a boa! Not a feathery boa, but a fangs and scales boa! He was so distracted. The least creepiest explanation he came up with is, maybe she didn't know! Maybe she was walking to church and the snake fell from the trees and landed on her! 

He also mentioned to find people like Switzerland where I feel safe to be me, where I freely talk about what's going on without repercussion. 

Anyway, I'm trying to love the people around me and show grace to those lamos when we meet. 

police week

Joe and I were able to go up to Phoenix and attend a orientation for what to expect at National Cops Week in Washington, DC. Yowza! I am an emotional wreck! We met all the families in Arizona who have been affected by their officer being killed in the line of duty. So many people. So many lives shattered. One thing I learned: I am not crazy.

What I've learned this week in my spiritual readings:

Police Week will be an amazingly hard, beautiful, heartbreaking experience, but I'm almost eager to get it over with. We were warned again and again that whatever scab we have formed from our officers' death will be ripped off. But I will be around my family and others that COMPLETELY understand.

#policelivesmatter

blood of the innocent

I recently blogged about being stuck, about not being able to move forward. I didn't want to pray. I didn't want to read my scriptures. I didn't want to listen to the modern-day prophets. I can't give a specific instance, but I got the kick in the pants I needed and am trying to get and stay closer to the two beings who know EXACTLY and COMPLETELY what I am experiencing. 

This is what I have learned:

In The Book of Mormon, Alma and Amulek are forced to watch innocent women and children burned. Amulek cannot take it any more and asks why. Why do we have to watch this? Why can't we save them? Alma responds that he cannot save them because the spirit is stopping him because:

"the Lord receiveth them up unto himself, in glory; and he doth suffer that they may do this thing, or that the people may do this thing unto them, according to the hardness of their hearts, that the judgments which he shall exercise upon them in his wrath may be just; and the blood of the innocent shall stand as a witness against them, yea and cry mightily against them at the last days."

In the parable of the wheat and the tares, the servants of the householder discovered tares growing among the wheat. The servants asked the householder if they should go and rip out the tares, but the householder told them no! He didn't want to risk the servants ripping out those good shoots of wheat while they were trying to rip out the bad tares. The householder told his servants, "Let both grow together until the harvest: and in the time of the harvest I will say to the reapers, Gather ye together first the tares, and bind them in bundles to burn them: but gather the wheat into my barn." 

I recently watched a documentary on 9/11 called, "Out of the Clear Blue Sky". The interviews with survivors and families who lost people in the attacks were very poignant and, unfortunately, I could relate to. I sobbed and sobbed! Because of the choices of two evil people, June 8, 2014 changed my life forever; a life that I did not want changed.

I don't know a lot of the why's surrounding Alyn's murder. I may never know. But I do know that families are forever. And that will have to do for now.

just keep running

On September 27, 2014 I ran/walked this route in honor of Alyn. A lot of the Beck family was in Las Vegas, NV running in the Saints and Sinners half marathon. Joe and I wanted to do something in Sahuarita, so we ran our own 5k, which I found out later was actually a lot further than the initial 3.11 miles. I hadn't ran for very long before this date and was sorely unprepared. I ended up walking a lot of it mainly because I couldn't and because it was dark dark dark outside. There was a thunderstorm brewing in the distance, bugs were attracted to my head lamp, and bats were buzzing me trying to eat the bugs around me.

On December 6, 2014 I ran this route again. I have been running pretty consistently since September and was better prepared for this run. I got sick and had to take a minor break. My goal is still to run in a half marathon with my family next year in Las Vegas.

I miss Alyn and hurt for the pain and loss of so many of my loved ones. I usually end up crying, but it is good to remember and talk about Alyn.

public servants appreciation day

With all the hate toward police right now, Joe and I wanted to show our support for our local law enforcement agencies. We donned our Alyn and Igor t-shirts and went to the fair.

The Tucson Trafic Police gave Corban and Jovi a bear that they played with for hours! They even named them: Willy Wonder Flufter (Jovi) and Zombie Slayer (Corban) or something similar.

Corban happend to wear his Minecraft TNT bomb squad shirt and got to get his picture with an actual bomb squad suit!

 Joe bought tickets for everyone to ride the horses. Jovi was so excited about the brown horse and would have ridden the horses all day if we would have let her. Corban was a little hesitant, but wanted to go again once the ride was over.

 Jovi's sucker fell apart (the stick fell out) so she naturally picked the sucker off the grass, picked off the yucky parts, occasionally wiping them on my leg, and proceeded to lick the sucker from her hand.

We met the organizer of the fair, who happens to run a foundation in honor of her fallen LEO husband, Nohemy Hite. You can read more about her and her foundation here. When Joe and I are alone we can freely and openly talk about Alyn without getting overly emotional, but we kind of lose it when others join in on the conversation. Joe can still tell you the exact number of days since Alyn was murdered (which is 183 in case you were wondering). We shared a moment with Nohemy where we all cried and hugged at the loss we all shared and understood. My heart still breaks for the pain and loss of so many of my loved ones.

A HUGE thank you to all the public servants who fight tirelessly to serve and protect the public population!

a hero remembered TB65TWG

I made this card and ordered a geocaching trackable to surprise Joe for Alyn's birthday. And we had the PERFECT spot to drop it off!

Fall in Southern Arizona is hard to come by. But, on top of Mt. Lemmon there are seasons! I kind of begged Joe to take me there since I absolutely heart fall and have not seen nor felt fall for almost three years. We researched geocaches on top of the mountain, packed up the kiddos, and went for a road trip. 

We saw and felt fall.

I thought we could literally drive right to the geocache so I didn't bother packing a stroller or baby sling. What a mistake! Mackenzie was such a trooper but she started to get REALLY heavy after about an hour of carrying her around in our arms. We walked through the gates to the observatory and was instantly met by some kind of security and asked to leave. Wowza! As we searched a way to the cache we saw glimpses of this security guard following us around.

We couldn't find a path to the geocache at first and almost threw in the towel. We ate some lunch and found an easier geocache and tried again. This time Joe ran to the spot and me and the kids stayed in the car and watched "My Little Ponies".

The view from the geocache.

We sure do miss Alyn and think and talk about him almost every day. We hope this trackable makes its way every where, so Alyn's name will always be remembered.

**NOTE: The title of this post is the name of the trackable. If you go to www.geocaching.com, you can enter the trackable ID (the letters and numbers at the end of the name) and see where the trackable travels. 

stuck

I am a black and white person, right and wrong. I love lists, being organized, and decluttering. I take in a lot of what is happening around me and can feel the energy. It takes me longer to warm up to people, to trust them; and even longer to warm up to people who have lost my trust--I relate to the poor Mr. Darcy in "Pride and Prejudice". I am a black and white person, but lately am living in gray.

I need to make sense of June 8, 2014 but it doesn't. I need to find acceptance of what happened but I can't. I am stuck.

alyn beck

Happy Birthday! In honor of you today, I'm writing your birthday card here. 

Thank you for being a great BIL! Thank you for being you: funny, sarcastic, witty, smart, kind, a master of voices, and fixer of everything! Thank you for being strong and courageous. Thank you for welcoming me into the family and giving me a few heads up on the family skeletons. ;) Thank you for loving Joe and being a wicked awesome example! Thank you for helping us with so many odd and random things. Thank you for being such a great example on how to shoot a gun, how to love the people around you, how to be fun and lighthearted. I miss you.
Love, amber

summer vacation 2014

Joe finally finished his rotation at the local VA hospital and had two weeks before school started. We packed up the car, packed up the kids and drove to Logan, UT.

We drove from Sahuarita, AZ to Las Vegas, NV, 8 hours away. We stopped every couple of hours to feed Makenzie and to just get out of the car. We got to see Nicole and her kids on our way to and from Logan. Corban and Jovi had stickers, markers, crayons, movies, toys, books, and food to keep them pre occupied. 

From Las Vegas we made it to Highland, UT where we got to spend the night with one of Joe's good friends. A new Beck/Maughan friendship was created! The kids ran around and had so much fun! 

We drove to Logan, UT the following day where we met up with family for a picnic and then the adults went to the temple. 

Top Row: Amber, Joe, Scott, Bob, Ron
Bottom Row: Steve, Anna, Bri, Sharity, Charles, Liz, Ruth

I love the temple. It is so peaceful inside and the spirit can be felt so strongly. This was the first time I got to go to the temple since Alyn was murdered. I sat down inside the temple with my family surrounding me and I just cried and cried. I believe that I will be with my family after I die. I believe that God knows each of us and loves us. I believe that Jesus Christ is my Savior and because of his atonement I have the opportunity to repent and to return back into His and my Heavenly Father's presence. 

Sunday we blessed Makenzie. Most of both our families were there and it was AWESOME! One of my sisters drove up from Texas and brought her Yorkie named Tony. I love Tony! He is so fun and thinks he is bigger than he is. He and I had some bonding time before we headed off to church.

After the blessing and the luncheon, a bunch of us headed up Logan Canyon to Tony Grove Lake to complete our cold water challenge for the IPOF and in memory of Alyn. Check out the video on my FB page on August 17. 

Joe and I took our kids to Bear Lake for the next couple of days where we were able to driver over to Afton, WY where we were able to visit Alyn's grave. 

We spent the next couple of days with my parents where we stocked up on Pepperidge Farm goldfish crackers and cookies, relaxed, and chatted. Thursday we then drove to Salt Lake City to welcome home Andrew who returned from two year mission. He and Corban became good buddies when I helped watch my Grandma Allen and Andrew lived with my parents. We got to spend the night with another of Joe's good friends where we laughed so hard my face hurt. We drove back through Las Vegas, NV and finally made it back to Arizona. About 1.5 hours from our house Jovi completely lost it and started screaming! She wanted out of her car seat and out of the car and she was letting all of us know. We got home Saturday night and Joe started school the next Monday.

our new normal

My husband can tell you the exact number of days since Alyn was murdered. I have nightmares of Alyn's death where I play over and over the events of June 8. Recently Alyn's youngest daughter turned one. This is a video Nicole made for her:

This video is hard to watch, but it is good to see Alyn again, to hear his voice. 

People ask how Joe and I are doing. I really don't know how to answer that question. Right now is a kind of transitioning stage where everything feels different and looks different. Joe and I are happy. But it's a different happy with an ever present sadness. Our normal has forever changed and we're just trying to find our new normal.

armies of heaven

After the burial and luncheon, a few of us headed back to Scott and Bri's house with hot chocolate in hand; Joe and I with Scott and Bri, and Bob and Liz following behind. I don't know what happened or how it happened. I do know that Scott flipped his car around and Bob and Liz were sideways in a ditch, their car smoking! In a flurry of moments everyone and everything was safe--except their car. We definitely had angels with us that day. Scott even joked that we were keeping Alyn busy. 

We are not alone in this mortal journey. We have a father in Heaven and an elder brother who loves us dearly; they know us individually, they love us individually! We have friends and family who are physically around us who love us as well. I wish with my entire being that Alyn didn't have to be in Heaven right now, but I am comforted to know that he is now part of a heavenly army that is willing and ready to protect each one of us.

may he rest in peace

Star Valley provided their own honor guard. They did a 21 gun salute, played their bagpipes, and gave Nicole these gloves and flag from the casket.

It was cold and windy but beautiful. Spending a week dealing with the sadness and grief didn't lessen it any. The program following the honor guard was brief. We sang "God Be With You 'til We Meet Again" and Alyn's dad dedicated the grave.

Just like that, the past eight, horrific, emotional days were over. Now we had to go home and cope and grieve.

Scott and Bri live in Star Valley. Every week they visit Alyn's grave and place a new flower arrangement. We all live so far away and scattered. Thanks Scott and Bri. You're good people!

on the road again

The plan was to bury Alyn in Star Valley, Wyoming. We all hopped in our cars and drove to Salt Lake City, Utah where we met Nicole, her kids, her parents, and Alyn at the airport. Joe and I drove with Scott and Bri, who are a couple of the nicest, funniest, most generous people I know and I'm proud to call them family. 

The hangar was so big and empty and quiet. Southwest Airlines had a table full of drinks and treats for us and a couple of rows of chairs for us to sit on. When they brought Alyn's casket inside, they draped it with another flag and our family took the casket to the hearse. 

Utah, Idaho, Wyoming, and Nevada police escorted the funeral procession to Star Valley. There were even police and civilians lining the streets and exits as we drove along, their lights flashing, their hands over their hearts, and flag flying.

John 15:13

After Thursday and visiting Cici's, I kind of checked out. My post-pregnant body was exhausted and I was emotionally beat up. The walls I had built to support Joe through the first couple of days collapsed. And I crumbled. 

The funeral procession started at Palm Mortuary and ended at the Smith Center.  

It was peaceful in the car I was in. As we drove along the route to the Smith Center, I watched police officers and civilians along the street salute and place their hands over their hearts. I saw love. I saw respect. I saw sadness. We drove under a huge American flag billowing softly in the breeze, held fast by two fire trucks.

Police officers lined the drive way, all standing at attention. Inside the car it was silent. I soaked in all the sights and feelings. We parked and walked inside to a private room and watched as the honor guard prepared to escort Alyn's casket into the building. We, as a family, walked down a flight of stairs and met the casket as it, and we, prepared to enter the performance hall. 

The performance hall was quiet. I could hear random coughing, sniffling, and hushed conversation. I could hear peaceful singing coming from the top of the room. I followed my family forward and found a seat. The performance hall was huge! It had the main floor and then balcony upon balcony upon balcony. There were so many people there! All who loved Alyn. 

I have never been before to a funeral that had an honor guard. The music from the pipe band and drums is a hauntingly beautiful thing to experience. I could feel the drums before seeing the band and can't quite explain the resonance and affect they had on my spirit. They escorted Alyn's casket into the room where someone placed Alyn's hat on the casket. 

The funeral was amazing! I'm so glad it was televised and recorded because I forgot a lot of what was said and what happened. Friends from the police force prayed and spoke. Alyn's sergeant and sheriff spoke. There was a family song and Joe and Elizabeth gave the life sketch. Elder Terry Wade, an Area Seventy, even spoke and read a letter written by the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 

But the best part of the funeral, for me, was the talk given by Tracy Truman.

The funeral continued outside where law enforcement continued to honor Alyn. We sat under an awning. We were seated in a grassy park. Birds were chirping. Bells were tolling. I watched row after row of police officers walk by Alyn's casket and salute their fallen brother. Different members would break off and present Nicole, Daxton, and Avi a flag or a coin or a badge, each hugging Nicole and her kids.

At the end of the services, dispatch does a final call for the fallen officer. It happens around minute 18 in the video.

It was nice finally having Joe next to me. He dragged my chair closer to his and held my hand the entire time. We got to spend another minute and say another goodbye to Alyn before they loaded it into the hearse.

We loaded back into our cars and went home.

his ladder to the stars

By the time Friday, June 13, came around I was exhausted. I think we all were. Sitting here typing, with tears flowing, about this experience again is exhausting. The week had been healing but draining at the same time. We went to Alyn's viewing at his and Nicole's church house where their ward provided dinner for the whole family and extended family (the amount of food that their ward provided was incredible! There was a literal shmoregesborg of food every day at Nicole's house).We had a chance as a family to mingle and chat before the public viewing started. 

Alyn had crafted swords for the guys he was over at the academy.
They remade the sword with Alyn's name on it and put it in their flower arrangement.

Joe and I took a private moment to be alone with Alyn. We entered the chapel where Alyn's flag draped casket sat at the front guarded by two police officers. The room was so calm and peaceful and filled with the spirit. There was another tribute video playing softly in the background of Alyn with his wife and kids. I'm glad Joe was with me because I don't think I could have walked to the front of the room without him. The officers were close enough to the casket that I'm sure they heard us as we chatted with Alyn. As we walked away from the casket, one of the officers, standing at attention, had tears streaming down his face. 

Joe and I walked through a quiet room off the main room and briefly composed ourselves. Joe stayed with Nicole and some of his siblings in this room as they greeted guests and listened to stories of their brother. I found Makenzie and just held her as I walked to the other side of the church house to be alone; her little soul being a calming balm for me in a troubled circumstance. 

As the last guest left the church, family filed back into the chapel with Alyn. This turned out to be an impromptu funeral filled with stories from all seven siblings and Nicole, songs from Avi and her cousins, and short talks from local and general church leaders. 

Charles, Victoria, Scott, Sarah, Liz, Joe and Steve all shared memories they had of Alyn and delivered their memories true to their natures! Joe even got to use the phrase "zombie apocalypse"! As in, Alyn was our insurance policy if there ever was one. Alyn was good at getting in to mischief, but he was even better at getting out of it! If any of the siblings got into trouble with neighborhood kids, they went to Alyn for protection. Liz had decided that she was going to run away one day when she ran into Alyn. He asked her what she was doing and she told him. He took her hand, told her that she wasn't, and led her home. There wasn't any doubt that Alyn was everyone's favorite! He was playful and showed others that it was okay to play around and be goofy and be silly; life didn't need to be serious all the time.

The Beck brothers.

agape ... to love the unlovable

Friday. A bunch of us wanted to tour Metro's Northeast Area Command, where Alyn worked. We got a glimpse at the inner workings of what he did on a daily basis. We saw his locker where he'd put his flip flops that he'd wear to work. We saw the conference room where metro's cops would start and finish their day. 

Joe's brother, Scott, drove us around Las Vegas. His car broke down on our way to Area Command.
He went back to Alyn's house to grab Alyn's truck.
This is Alyn's truck in front of Metro's Northeast Area Command with the flag flying at half mast.

We saw the SUV that Alyn and Igor had driven the day they were killed.

The officers that were on duty when we were there told us stories they remembered of Alyn. They showed us where he and Igor liked to sit; not too close to the front, but not too far back that they couldn't submit their pearls of wisdom.

I once thought cops were just out to get people, to make their lives a little more miserable. I once thought cops were invincible. I once thought cops were heartless machines. I once thought cops didn't feel. That has all changed. 

Cops are human. Cops are brave. Cops are courageous. Cops are strong. Cops are my heroes. When danger stares us in the face, cops run toward that danger. They respond to the pleas of help. they put their lives on the line to save those around them. 

Let's use sane judgment and correct information when we form our opinions. Let's appreciate our cops.

"this has been a crapper of a week"

Life is unfair. But it will be just. 

Those of us who wanted to went to the Cici's where Alyn and Igor were shot on Thursday. 

A memorial to Alyn and Igor had been growing since Sunday. This is where it hit me on how big of an impact this evil act had affected not only the families of those killed, but the entire community, state, country, and world. People had come together. They were helping each other. They were mourning with each other. They were loving each other. It didn't matter what religion, political views, race, ethnicity people were. People were hurting and this is how they could "bear one another's burdens" and "mourn with those that mourn" Mosiah 8:9; Galatians 6:2.

Several police officers who responded to the call joined with us inside Cici's and were very candid about what happened at Cici's and over at Wal Mart. Alyn and Igor had stopped at this restaurant after a call they had responded to earlier that morning. They were eating lunch when the shooters, who had been trolling for cops, entered the restaurant, walked over to their table, shot Igor, and then shot Alyn.

What cowardice! What evil! What senseless violence!

It is unfair that a father of a little boy will not see him grow up. It is unfair that he won't physically be there for his wife. It is unfair that a father of three won't get to see graduations, missions, weddings, grandkids. It is unfair that he won't grow old with his wife. It is unfair that a young man was killed trying to do the right thing, stand up to evil, and protect others.

Life is unfair. But it will be just.

Today. Right now. Life feels unfair. But there is hope. I believe that there is a God in Heaven who loves his Earthly children. I believe He sent his son, Jesus Christ, to atone for all of us. To me, this means Jesus knows me, He loves me, and He has perfect empathy for my sorrows and my joys. I believe that what we do here on Earth impacts our eternal existence and we will be rewarded or punished accordingly; good for good, evil for evil. I believe we can and we will live with our families forever. I believe that I will see Alyn again; he will be healthy and whole and cracking jokes like he normally does. He's gonna have that goofy grin and sparkle in his eye and he is going to be so happy!