be perfect

There are two scriptures that tell us to be perfect.

Matthew 5:48
"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect."

3 Nephi 12:48
"Therefore I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect."

Notice the differences?

When Jesus Christ is commanding us to be perfect, he is not telling us that we need to bake a million cakes and cookies for the bake sale, be a specific size, volunteer for every little shin dig, have perfect little children who sit perfectly still in church.

Jesus is inviting us to be with him and our father in heaven. And the only way we can make it back to them, to live with them in the Celestial Kingdom, is through the atonement and by being resurrected. Resurrection means finished, complete, whole, fully developed. Being resurrected equals perfection!

Grief/Trauma

I have been struggling with this new experience with all the associated trauma and grief. Some people have asked why I am upset, after all, Alyn wasn't my brother; I've had people try to compare their unique experience with my own; etc. etc. I have thought a lot about grief. This is what I have come up with.

One of my sister-in-laws explained her thoughts about grief being cyclical instead of linear; that she can move forward and upward, but she can still experience bad, hard, awful, triggered moments that move her downward. And then she moves forward and upward again and the cycle repeats.

To me, grief is grief; people are different. One thing can absolutely devastate someone and that same experience, to another person, could be the absolute easiest thing to over come. That being said, I HATE HATE HATE when people try to compare their experience with my own. 

This made me think about grief and trauma like an earth quake: the focus of the event has the most damaging effect, and the further you get away from the focus the less intense it is and the damage gets less and less. BUT, the shock waves of the focus are there and affect a lot more than we could ever imagine.

My goal is to care for those around me, to love them and their experiences, and to help them as best I can. I love in Revelation as John describes the celestial earth and how God the Father will be among us, that he will "wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things (the things as they are right now) are passed away" (21:4). I am praying for that day when wickedness, sadness, grief, and trauma are no longer on this earth and I won't have to watch the people I love suffer!

light of the world

The book of Revelation in the New Testament contains imagery of candlesticks. Imagery is such a powerful teaching tool because one image can mean SO many different things to SO many different people!

To me, you and I and all of us are the candlesticks. We are the instruments, the candlesticks, that hold up the light--which light, we learn in Matthew 5:14-16, is Jesus Christ. This includes our testimony, our example, and our love for each other.

The question is then, how high will you hold up your light?

Satan tries over and over and over to diminish, obstruct, or snuff out our light. This makes me think of the movie "The Never Ending Story" where Atreyu and Artax travel through the swamps of sadness. Satan wants us to give in to the sadness, to just sink into oblivion, but we need to keep the light of Jesus Christ burning brightly in our lives!

Bob Goff mentions dead reckoning in his book "Love Does". He and some of his buddies went on a sailing trip from the U.S. west coast to Hawaii without the proper training or instruments. They relied on fixing on a point and adjusting their course to keep it in sight. We need to keep ourselves turned towards the light of Jesus Christ and ever move toward him! And in His light we can feel that love and lightness and joy and happiness that everyone needs and craves for!

high school volleyball reoccurring dream

I have played volleyball for the majority of my life. I started in 9th grade, played in high school, played club, played in college, and now play pick-up games recreationally. I have had this dream so many times and it feels really authentic. So authentic, in fact, that there have been days where I actually believe I didn't play volleyball in high school! I have had to check year books and photos to sort through my confusion.

I have had the following reoccurring dream on-and-off for the past year:

I'm always in high school. And for some reason, I'm always in the hall ways, like I'm not supposed to be there. I can't remember where my locker is. On the lucky days I do find my locker, I can't remember what the combination is. I usually dial in random numbers and sometimes it opens. Inside the locker I see books, loose paper, pictures of an old locker mate I had in my actual high school, and candy. When the bell rings and people go off to class, I can't remember what class I have or where I'm supposed to go. I randomly pick a class and don't know anything they're talking about. In some version of this dream, some disaster happens (shooting, one of my actual kids is just out my reach to save them from something/someone). Through the entire dream, I am on the volleyball team, but I quit at the end of my junior year. And it almost feels like I drop out of school! I realize what a HUGE mistake I'm made and try and try and try to get back on the team. My coach won't acknowledge me. She won't tell me when try outs are for the following year. She won't let me back on the team. She won't let my teammates talk to me. She avoids me in the hallways. And when I sneak in the gym to practice, practice is cancelled! I finally wake up when I figure out when try outs are.

Diagnose that, Dr. Freud!

"find your Switzerland" C.O.P.S. 2015 Christmas Party

When I called Bob Goff, he told me to find people that I felt comfortable with, that I could be completely open and honest and be me, to find my Switzerland. Joe and I found that group of people with the Concerns Of Police Surviors (COPS) Arizona Chapter. They are amazing people! Who better to understand what we are going through than people who have gone through the exact same thing!

They recently had their Christmas Party. We packed up the kids and went to Phoenix.

We met SANTA.

We got our pictures taken in a photo booth. My favorite picture is the bottom left one. Jovi's face! I love it!

And each of the kids got to stuff a bear. This is Gracie. Jovi loves her.

I kind of don't want to leave Arizona because of this awesome group of people!

fear vs. faith

For the past 18 months I have been living in fear. If some random act (because that is exactly what the FBI labeled it) could take away Alyn, what was stopping the same thing from happening to my husband?

I had crippling anxiety every time Joe left the house! I imagined car accidents, drug-seeking psychos robbing the pharmacy, or some deranged person storming wherever Joe was for his next rotation. I have spent many hours wondering what I would/could do to support my children if anything every happened to Joe. 

Joe was home for a couple of days a while back and I relaxed; he was home, he was safe. That is when I knew that fear was running my life and something needed to change. 

1 John 4:18

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear."

In 1 Corinthians 13, we learn the many definitions of love. This chapter is directed toward the many different ways we can give love. But an interesting activity to do is read the chapter as the receiver of love; we all cannot give love all the time, someone has to be the receiver!  

Fear and faith CANNOT be in the same moment. Faith means:

1. To have confidence (full trust) in something or someone.

2. Is kindled by hearing testimonies of those who have faith.

3. Is a principle of action and power.

4. To move its possessor to some kind of physical and mental action.

When we are humble, we look to God; we care what is right, we want to do God's will, and we love people! When we express true faith we are promised many blessings. We are promised miracles, visions, dreams, healing, and ALL the gifts of God. 

Bob Goff: the phone call 10.23.15

I read a book called "Love Does" by Bob Goff. He relates his life's stories with lessons he has learned and how they relate to Jesus. IT. IS. AMAZING!! I'll chat for hours about this book to anyone and everyone. It is just that good! And I'll probably write more posts from what I have learned from him in the future.

At the end of the book he explains that Jesus loves people and he loves people, so if you want to chat with him about something in his book to call him! Yes. He gives his cell number so you can chat with him! It took me about 2 months to work up the courage to do so, but I finally called him last week. 

Mr. Goff was like a celebrity to me! I was SO nervous and excited to talk to him that I kind of exhaled a whole bunch of information that came out like, "Hi-My name is Amber Beck-I'm from Sahuarita, AZ-And I love your book!" Insert tears. Lot of them. "A year and a half ago my BIL was murdered. After it happened, I felt like God lifted me up and placed me on a different plane and has been leading me to find more love and joy and happiness when I most need it! And you're book was exactly what I needed! It was perfect timing!" He was so loving and understanding and a complete stranger! 

During the brief pause I had where I was trying to take some deep breaths and calm myself, Bob Goff said, "People are lame. They don't know what to say in those instances and don't know how to relate and they try to find some level where they can relate, 'Well, I had a puppy once and it died.' It's just not the same."

I asked him how to love the really hard people. He told me to read Phillipians 2, where we learn to esteem others as more worthy than us, which is just another name for grace. The verses that stuck out to me are in verses 3-5, 13-14.

"Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than themselves./ Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others./ Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus;/ For it is God which worth in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure./ Do all things without murmurings and disputing:/ That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world;/ Holding forth the word of life; that I may rejoice in the day of Christ, that I have not run in vain, neither labored in vain."

Bob also told me to "capture the moments," to write down what I learn so I can teach others. He also said, "find the least creepiest explanation for why they are being lame." 

He related a story of when he was teaching inside a church. A lady in the front row was wearing a boa! Not a feathery boa, but a fangs and scales boa! He was so distracted. The least creepiest explanation he came up with is, maybe she didn't know! Maybe she was walking to church and the snake fell from the trees and landed on her! 

He also mentioned to find people like Switzerland where I feel safe to be me, where I freely talk about what's going on without repercussion. 

Anyway, I'm trying to love the people around me and show grace to those lamos when we meet.