what would you say?

What would you say to the world, your community, your spouse, your kids, your family if today was your last day on Earth?

I have been thinking about this lately and will be telling my family, my kids, and my spouse what they mean to me. No regrets.

even the strong need strength from others

From Sunday to Wednesday Joe and I waited for word about Alyn's funeral arrangements and what other family members were going to do about travel and such. Those were the longest days of my life. 

I was in a hazy fog. I had a 5 year old, a 2 year old, and a 3 week old to take care of but all I wanted to do was lay in bed. I wanted someone to shake me awake and tell me that I had been dreaming and everything and everyone was okay. I was in denial. Luckily we have amazing friends and church members here. They brought over meals and snacks. They took Corban and Jovi over to their houses so they could play. They came to our house to offer counsel and administer blessings. They brought toys and muffins for all three kids. 

I've been trying to write for the past few minutes how Alyn's death affected my husband, but I can't. He lost his brother, his friend, and his hero. He loved him so much. And he was shattered. He laid in bed for those first few days, zoned out to the world.  

I tried keeping it together enough to let him have this time to try and make sense of things. And it was hard. Someone watched out kids on Tuesday. At this point we were going to drive to Las Vegas so I declared we were getting out of the house to go to get supplies for our trip. We made it down the street before I was struck with the second of three migraines I would get that week. We went home and Joe took care of me. We kind of switched roles--one would be okay while the other cried and vice versa. 

Sometimes even the strong need strength from others. 

I was reminded of Jesus Christ's experience in The Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus went into the garden with his apostles to pray and to fulfill the atonement. While he was praying, an angel appeared and gave him strength (Luke 22:43). Jesus Christ is the one perfect being on this entire planet and he needed strength from an outside source to finish the hard thing set before him. 

I know that because of Jesus Christ's atonement he has perfect empathy toward anything I will ever experience. I also know that it is through the atonement of Jesus Christ that will eventually lift me out of this hazy fog and that my husband and his family will eventually feel peace and happiness again.

tribute video

Miss you Alyn!

the phone call

Joe and I were watching a show right where I'm sitting today typing this post. Mama Ruth called in the middle and we had a split hesitation as to whether or not we should answer. My world changed in that instant Joe said hello. I was sitting on the bed but I could hear bits and pieces of their conversation over the phone. Alyn was dead. He and his partner had been shot during their lunch break at a local pizza parlor. 

This had to be a bad joke. Alyn had been in close calls before, but he always posted later that he was okay and would laugh about the incident later. He was too strong, too smart, too fast for this to have happened. 

We opened the local Las Vegas news and watched or read anything we could on the unfolding incident. They still hadn't released the names of the officers and I was holding on to my denial that it was someone else. Not Alyn. Sunday seemed to speed by but last forever. Family kept us in the loop as  they were updated from others. 

My heart was broken. I ached for Nicole and her kids. I ached for my in laws. I ached for my husband. 

Corban and Jovi didn't know what was going on. All they knew was that their mom and dad spent the day crying in their bedroom. I finally went out and talked with Corban; he wanted to know why we were crying. I told him that Uncle Alyn, papa's brother, had been killed. 

"But why are you crying? You'll see him again in Heaven."

families are forever

We have been back from the funeral of Joe's brother, Alyn, for about a week. It's good to be back but different. Joe and I are both trying to deal with this senseless tragedy while we try to keep on keeping on. 

The biggest lesson I've learned from this whole thing is that families are forever. I am uber grateful that I have a testimony that I will see Alyn again and that my family will be together past the end of this mortal life. 

As families:

We can dress up and act silly.

We can get together and celebrate life's triumphs.

We can go camping, get dirty, play games, make memories, 

and help each other out in emergencies. 

We can love each other unconditionally.

We can live life to its fullest with no regrets.

I have always been one to write when I'm confused or lost or just want to work through something. I'm scared to live through this past week again but I know I need to heal and feel the loss of my brother in law so I can be there for my kids and my husband. 

So, for the next little while my posts are going to be about the eight days the Beck Family spent together celebrating the life of one of the greatest people I know: Alyn Ronnie Beck.

serving with love

My mom was here taking care of me, my kids, and my house for 15 days after I had Makenzie. As I was sitting around a lot letting things heal, I read out of one of my church's magazines where the messages shared were ones that I needed to hear again.

Joe just finished his second year of pharmacy school. I guess I didn't have a realistic idea of how much work Pharmacy school was going to be and how little time me and my kids would have to see him. Let me tell you, pharmacy school is hard and time consuming and we hardly ever see Joe.

There are three articles that especially touched me and made me realize the changes I need to make in order to make the next two years of pharmacy school better for me and my three kids.

The first article talked about Jesus Christ's atonement for each one of us. Not only did He die for each one of us, but he wants to enliven us and enable us to do good and become better in ways that stretch us far beyond our mortal capacities.

"We also will pray for the strength to learn from, change, or accept 

our circumstances rather than praying relentlessly for God to change our circumstances 

according to our will."

The next talk was about gratitude. Instead of being grateful for things, we can be grateful in our circumstances, whatever they may be; we can choose to be grateful, no matter what.

These are three of my favorite talks so far. These are just clips. You can watch these talks and more at www.lds.org.

Makenzie

My original due date was May 19 but because of Joe's schedule--he had finals the week before and was starting the VALOR program the following week--May 16 was really the only day that Joe could be at the birth so that's the day I was induced. 

My mom flew in from Utah to spend the next 15 days with us. Joe and I packed up our things on May 16 and went to the hospital. I was hooked up to my Pitocin and fluids around 11:00 a.m. and I had Makenzie at 3:58 p.m. 

Being induced sucks. They are monster contractions that start hard and fast and don't let up. My doc broke my water right after I got my epidural.  There was SO much fluid that they had to get three additional towels! My epidural made it up to my knees before quitting. The anesthesiologist tried again and this time it went to my waist except for a window on my left side! After pushing more meds and rearranging myself, the epidural finally worked and I was ready to push. 

I reacted to one of the meds they gave me and my blood pressure plummeted to 70. Oxygen fixed that and 30 minutes later Miss Makenzie was born!

Makenzie was really alert. Her eyes were open and she just kind of took everything in without crying very much. Don't worry though, her apgar scores were high and she was healthy. 

Corban instantly loved Makenzie and wants to constantly kiss and touch and talk to her. Jovi could care less, but she is soft and mostly observant (she almost walked on top of Makenzie while watching a show today).