Happy Birthday! In honor of you today, I'm writing your birthday card here.
Thank you for being a great BIL! Thank you for being you: funny, sarcastic, witty, smart, kind, a master of voices, and fixer of everything! Thank you for being strong and courageous. Thank you for welcoming me into the family and giving me a few heads up on the family skeletons. ;) Thank you for loving Joe and being a wicked awesome example! Thank you for helping us with so many odd and random things. Thank you for being such a great example on how to shoot a gun, how to love the people around you, how to be fun and lighthearted. I miss you.
Love, amber
Joe finally finished his rotation at the local VA hospital and had two weeks before school started. We packed up the car, packed up the kids and drove to Logan, UT.
We drove from Sahuarita, AZ to Las Vegas, NV, 8 hours away. We stopped every couple of hours to feed Makenzie and to just get out of the car. We got to see Nicole and her kids on our way to and from Logan. Corban and Jovi had stickers, markers, crayons, movies, toys, books, and food to keep them pre occupied.
From Las Vegas we made it to Highland, UT where we got to spend the night with one of Joe's good friends. A new Beck/Maughan friendship was created! The kids ran around and had so much fun!
We drove to Logan, UT the following day where we met up with family for a picnic and then the adults went to the temple.
Top Row: Amber, Joe, Scott, Bob, Ron Bottom Row: Steve, Anna, Bri, Sharity, Charles, Liz, Ruth
I love the temple. It is so peaceful inside and the spirit can be felt so strongly. This was the first time I got to go to the temple since Alyn was murdered. I sat down inside the temple with my family surrounding me and I just cried and cried. I believe that I will be with my family after I die. I believe that God knows each of us and loves us. I believe that Jesus Christ is my Savior and because of his atonement I have the opportunity to repent and to return back into His and my Heavenly Father's presence.
Sunday we blessed Makenzie. Most of both our families were there and it was AWESOME! One of my sisters drove up from Texas and brought her Yorkie named Tony. I love Tony! He is so fun and thinks he is bigger than he is. He and I had some bonding time before we headed off to church.
After the blessing and the luncheon, a bunch of us headed up Logan Canyon to Tony Grove Lake to complete our cold water challenge for the IPOF and in memory of Alyn. Check out the video on my FB page on August 17.
Joe and I took our kids to Bear Lake for the next couple of days where we were able to driver over to Afton, WY where we were able to visit Alyn's grave.
We spent the next couple of days with my parents where we stocked up on Pepperidge Farm goldfish crackers and cookies, relaxed, and chatted. Thursday we then drove to Salt Lake City to welcome home Andrew who returned from two year mission. He and Corban became good buddies when I helped watch my Grandma Allen and Andrew lived with my parents. We got to spend the night with another of Joe's good friends where we laughed so hard my face hurt. We drove back through Las Vegas, NV and finally made it back to Arizona. About 1.5 hours from our house Jovi completely lost it and started screaming! She wanted out of her car seat and out of the car and she was letting all of us know. We got home Saturday night and Joe started school the next Monday.
My husband can tell you the exact number of days since Alyn was murdered. I have nightmares of Alyn's death where I play over and over the events of June 8. Recently Alyn's youngest daughter turned one. This is a video Nicole made for her:
This video is hard to watch, but it is good to see Alyn again, to hear his voice.
People ask how Joe and I are doing. I really don't know how to answer that question. Right now is a kind of transitioning stage where everything feels different and looks different. Joe and I are happy. But it's a different happy with an ever present sadness. Our normal has forever changed and we're just trying to find our new normal.
After the burial and luncheon, a few of us headed back to Scott and Bri's house with hot chocolate in hand; Joe and I with Scott and Bri, and Bob and Liz following behind. I don't know what happened or how it happened. I do know that Scott flipped his car around and Bob and Liz were sideways in a ditch, their car smoking! In a flurry of moments everyone and everything was safe--except their car. We definitely had angels with us that day. Scott even joked that we were keeping Alyn busy.
We are not alone in this mortal journey. We have a father in Heaven and an elder brother who loves us dearly; they know us individually, they love us individually! We have friends and family who are physically around us who love us as well. I wish with my entire being that Alyn didn't have to be in Heaven right now, but I am comforted to know that he is now part of a heavenly army that is willing and ready to protect each one of us.
Star Valley provided their own honor guard. They did a 21 gun salute, played their bagpipes, and gave Nicole these gloves and flag from the casket.
It was cold and windy but beautiful. Spending a week dealing with the sadness and grief didn't lessen it any. The program following the honor guard was brief. We sang "God Be With You 'til We Meet Again" and Alyn's dad dedicated the grave.
Just like that, the past eight, horrific, emotional days were over. Now we had to go home and cope and grieve.
Scott and Bri live in Star Valley. Every week they visit Alyn's grave and place a new flower arrangement. We all live so far away and scattered. Thanks Scott and Bri. You're good people!
The plan was to bury Alyn in Star Valley, Wyoming. We all hopped in our cars and drove to Salt Lake City, Utah where we met Nicole, her kids, her parents, and Alyn at the airport. Joe and I drove with Scott and Bri, who are a couple of the nicest, funniest, most generous people I know and I'm proud to call them family.
The hangar was so big and empty and quiet. Southwest Airlines had a table full of drinks and treats for us and a couple of rows of chairs for us to sit on. When they brought Alyn's casket inside, they draped it with another flag and our family took the casket to the hearse.
Utah, Idaho, Wyoming, and Nevada police escorted the funeral procession to Star Valley. There were even police and civilians lining the streets and exits as we drove along, their lights flashing, their hands over their hearts, and flag flying.
After Thursday and visiting Cici's, I kind of checked out. My post-pregnant body was exhausted and I was emotionally beat up. The walls I had built to support Joe through the first couple of days collapsed. And I crumbled.
The funeral procession started at Palm Mortuary and ended at the Smith Center.
It was peaceful in the car I was in. As we drove along the route to the Smith Center, I watched police officers and civilians along the street salute and place their hands over their hearts. I saw love. I saw respect. I saw sadness. We drove under a huge American flag billowing softly in the breeze, held fast by two fire trucks.
Police officers lined the drive way, all standing at attention. Inside the car it was silent. I soaked in all the sights and feelings. We parked and walked inside to a private room and watched as the honor guard prepared to escort Alyn's casket into the building. We, as a family, walked down a flight of stairs and met the casket as it, and we, prepared to enter the performance hall.
The performance hall was quiet. I could hear random coughing, sniffling, and hushed conversation. I could hear peaceful singing coming from the top of the room. I followed my family forward and found a seat. The performance hall was huge! It had the main floor and then balcony upon balcony upon balcony. There were so many people there! All who loved Alyn.
I have never been before to a funeral that had an honor guard. The music from the pipe band and drums is a hauntingly beautiful thing to experience. I could feel the drums before seeing the band and can't quite explain the resonance and affect they had on my spirit. They escorted Alyn's casket into the room where someone placed Alyn's hat on the casket.
The funeral was amazing! I'm so glad it was televised and recorded because I forgot a lot of what was said and what happened. Friends from the police force prayed and spoke. Alyn's sergeant and sheriff spoke. There was a family song and Joe and Elizabeth gave the life sketch. Elder Terry Wade, an Area Seventy, even spoke and read a letter written by the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
But the best part of the funeral, for me, was the talk given by Tracy Truman.
The funeral continued outside where law enforcement continued to honor Alyn. We sat under an awning. We were seated in a grassy park. Birds were chirping. Bells were tolling. I watched row after row of police officers walk by Alyn's casket and salute their fallen brother. Different members would break off and present Nicole, Daxton, and Avi a flag or a coin or a badge, each hugging Nicole and her kids.
At the end of the services, dispatch does a final call for the fallen officer. It happens around minute 18 in the video.
It was nice finally having Joe next to me. He dragged my chair closer to his and held my hand the entire time. We got to spend another minute and say another goodbye to Alyn before they loaded it into the hearse.
By the time Friday, June 13, came around I was exhausted. I think we all were. Sitting here typing, with tears flowing, about this experience again is exhausting. The week had been healing but draining at the same time. We went to Alyn's viewing at his and Nicole's church house where their ward provided dinner for the whole family and extended family (the amount of food that their ward provided was incredible! There was a literal shmoregesborg of food every day at Nicole's house).We had a chance as a family to mingle and chat before the public viewing started.
Alyn had crafted swords for the guys he was over at the academy.
They remade the sword with Alyn's name on it and put it in their flower arrangement.
Joe and I took a private moment to be alone with Alyn. We entered the chapel where Alyn's flag draped casket sat at the front guarded by two police officers. The room was so calm and peaceful and filled with the spirit. There was another tribute video playing softly in the background of Alyn with his wife and kids. I'm glad Joe was with me because I don't think I could have walked to the front of the room without him. The officers were close enough to the casket that I'm sure they heard us as we chatted with Alyn. As we walked away from the casket, one of the officers, standing at attention, had tears streaming down his face.
Joe and I walked through a quiet room off the main room and briefly composed ourselves. Joe stayed with Nicole and some of his siblings in this room as they greeted guests and listened to stories of their brother. I found Makenzie and just held her as I walked to the other side of the church house to be alone; her little soul being a calming balm for me in a troubled circumstance.
As the last guest left the church, family filed back into the chapel with Alyn. This turned out to be an impromptu funeral filled with stories from all seven siblings and Nicole, songs from Avi and her cousins, and short talks from local and general church leaders.
Charles, Victoria, Scott, Sarah, Liz, Joe and Steve all shared memories they had of Alyn and delivered their memories true to their natures! Joe even got to use the phrase "zombie apocalypse"! As in, Alyn was our insurance policy if there ever was one. Alyn was good at getting in to mischief, but he was even better at getting out of it! If any of the siblings got into trouble with neighborhood kids, they went to Alyn for protection. Liz had decided that she was going to run away one day when she ran into Alyn. He asked her what she was doing and she told him. He took her hand, told her that she wasn't, and led her home. There wasn't any doubt that Alyn was everyone's favorite! He was playful and showed others that it was okay to play around and be goofy and be silly; life didn't need to be serious all the time.
Friday. A bunch of us wanted to tour Metro's Northeast Area Command, where Alyn worked. We got a glimpse at the inner workings of what he did on a daily basis. We saw his locker where he'd put his flip flops that he'd wear to work. We saw the conference room where metro's cops would start and finish their day.
Joe's brother, Scott, drove us around Las Vegas. His car broke down on our way to Area Command.
He went back to Alyn's house to grab Alyn's truck.
This is Alyn's truck in front of Metro's Northeast Area Command with the flag flying at half mast.
We saw the SUV that Alyn and Igor had driven the day they were killed.
The officers that were on duty when we were there told us stories they remembered of Alyn. They showed us where he and Igor liked to sit; not too close to the front, but not too far back that they couldn't submit their pearls of wisdom.
I once thought cops were just out to get people, to make their lives a little more miserable. I once thought cops were invincible. I once thought cops were heartless machines. I once thought cops didn't feel. That has all changed.
Cops are human. Cops are brave. Cops are courageous. Cops are strong. Cops are my heroes. When danger stares us in the face, cops run toward that danger. They respond to the pleas of help. they put their lives on the line to save those around them.
Let's use sane judgment and correct information when we form our opinions. Let's appreciate our cops.
Those of us who wanted to went to the Cici's where Alyn and Igor were shot on Thursday.
A memorial to Alyn and Igor had been growing since Sunday. This is where it hit me on how big of an impact this evil act had affected not only the families of those killed, but the entire community, state, country, and world. People had come together. They were helping each other. They were mourning with each other. They were loving each other. It didn't matter what religion, political views, race, ethnicity people were. People were hurting and this is how they could "bear one another's burdens" and "mourn with those that mourn" Mosiah 8:9; Galatians 6:2.
Several police officers who responded to the call joined with us inside Cici's and were very candid about what happened at Cici's and over at Wal Mart. Alyn and Igor had stopped at this restaurant after a call they had responded to earlier that morning. They were eating lunch when the shooters, who had been trolling for cops, entered the restaurant, walked over to their table, shot Igor, and then shot Alyn.
What cowardice! What evil! What senseless violence!
It is unfair that a father of a little boy will not see him grow up. It is unfair that he won't physically be there for his wife. It is unfair that a father of three won't get to see graduations, missions, weddings, grandkids. It is unfair that he won't grow old with his wife. It is unfair that a young man was killed trying to do the right thing, stand up to evil, and protect others.
Life is unfair. But it will be just.
Today. Right now. Life feels unfair. But there is hope. I believe that there is a God in Heaven who loves his Earthly children. I believe He sent his son, Jesus Christ, to atone for all of us. To me, this means Jesus knows me, He loves me, and He has perfect empathy for my sorrows and my joys. I believe that what we do here on Earth impacts our eternal existence and we will be rewarded or punished accordingly; good for good, evil for evil. I believe we can and we will live with our families forever. I believe that I will see Alyn again; he will be healthy and whole and cracking jokes like he normally does. He's gonna have that goofy grin and sparkle in his eye and he is going to be so happy!
As a family, we decided to attend Igor Soldo's funeral. Nicole, her parents, her sister, her brother, Alyn's parents, and five of Alyn's siblings were escorted to and from the services by police (we didn't have to wait for red lights, stop signs, other cars, merging traffic, etc.). I've never been to a cop funeral before, or any funeral for our armed forces. It is absolutely amazing how much respect and honor they have for each other and the families of their fallen. Our armed forces really are a band of brothers. As we approached the building, we walked down between two rows of officers that were standing at attention. I think we all lost it a minute and luckily were able to compose ourselves in a private room.
It was good to learn more about Igor: who he was, who his family is, and what kind of dynamic he and Alyn most likely had. Igor was a son. A brother. A husband. And a father.
Igor's little boy is not yet one years-old. You can see in the video above and from the speeches given by Igor's friends during the funeral that Igor absolutely ADORED his little boy.
Igor's wife, Andrea, at the end of the funeral. Absolutely heartbreaking that she is now a young widow with a young son.
Igor's brother, Robert, did an amazing job giving his speech during the funeral. The Soldo family came to Alyn's funeral as well. Robert, Andrea, and the rest of the Soldo clan stayed until the very end of the funeral and met and chatted with Alyn's family. Robert came to hug me and tripped on my diaper bag. "I must be careful," he said in his thick Bosnian accent. "If I trip and fall, I will squish someone."
Robert is a BIG man. And so is his little brother. Igor sounded like a taller, broader version of Alyn: kind, compassionate, a jokester, loyal, dependable, fierce, strong, fun, lovable.
One thing that really impressed me was the camaraderie that law enforcement share. The honor, the respect, the love they have for each other is palpable and very touching. Every where we traveled as a family there was law enforcement showing their respect for us, as Alyn's family, and for Alyn.
Law enforcement agencies from Utah, Nevada, Wyoming, and Idaho at Alyn's internment.
Police officers at the Idaho/Wyoming border.
Police badges from different agencies at Alyn's funeral.
My perspective on law enforcement has changed DRAMATICALLY since Alyn was killed. They are just men and women putting their lives in harms way to protect our freedoms. They have families. They have houses. They have troubles. They are humans. The following article has made it's way around Facebook, but I wanted a link here as well. Tracy Smith knew Alyn and loved Alyn--you couldn't help not love Alyn once you met him. I love Tracy's article, "Killing A Cop Doesn't Make You a Revolutionary" .
Joe and I found out the funeral plans, which included a lot of memorials for Alyn and Igor and burying Alyn in Wyoming, and made our travel arrangements: we would fly to Las Vegas, drive to Wyoming, and fly back to Tucson.
I found a family in our church to watch Corban and Jovi, which meant we would take Makenzie with us in all our travels. Joe and I were a little nervous about traveling with a 4 week old infant, so we put together a little ziploc bag for each passenger on our flight. Each bag had a few Starburst candies and a note which read:
Hi. My name is Makenzie. I am one month old and
this is my first flight. I have never flown before so
I do not know how I'm gonna do. My parents and I are flying
to go to my Uncle Alyn's funeral. I shouldn't even
be on this flight so I hope to not interrupt your flight too much.
Here is a little treat to help pass the time and my mom and
dad have ear plugs if you need them.
When we got to the airport a big Las Vegas Metro police officer met us on the airplane. He grabbed Joe in a big bear hug, hugged me, took Makenzie, and zipped us off the plane. He took us through the airport, past security, out a side door and into a squad car. He then went off to baggage claim to get our bags. While we waited for our bags our niece, Madison, and her husband, Evan, pulled up in another squad car. This was the first of many family hugs where we shed many tears.
The out pouring of support and love I felt from the Las Vegas Metro Police Department was amazing! They took care of everything and everyone. They had a police detail outside of Alyn's house, they escorted the family to and from a lot of different places, they even were concerned enough with me and Makenzie that several offered to hold her. They talked with us, they laughed with us, they cried with us, because for them, they had lost a brother as well.
Even the community was deeply affected by this tragedy. A memorial grew bigger and bigger outside of CiCi's Pizza through out the entire week for Alyn and Igor; fundraisers were set up for Alyn, Igor, and Joseph Wilcox (the civilian killed in Wal Mart); bank accounts were set up for each of the victims's families; and even the funerals were televised so the community could mourn as well.
It's heartbreaking when the world is faced with so much evil. But it is over whelming to see people stand up to that evil with love and good and hope. We are all just brothers and sisters on this Earth for a probationary time. We are here to gain experience. To love. To serve. And the world lost three great examples of that in Alyn, Igor and Joseph.
