baby blues

Joe and I are/were thinking about expanding our little family. We compromised; I was okay with a family of four, but Joe wanted a bigger family. We decided to make a plan (Joe loves his plans) and try during the summer so I wouldn't be huge pregnant during the hottest part of the summer. Well... things didn't go according to plan (do they ever). I missed my period (TMI?) and took a pregnancy test. It was positive!

And I freaked out.

Sure. We were just a few months early from our family expansion, but I did not feel ready. I love my Jovi, but she is a handful. Just today, she woke up at 6:30 in the AM and was ready for a nap by 10; she couldn't reach the box of cookies so she had a full-blown tantrum, throwing herself backward on the kitchen floor.

Joe did his thing and made things better. I was pregnant! And I was happy about it! I then went about trying to find a OB/GYN and set up our first appointment to hear the heart beat.

That appointment was last week. What they found was the sac with the yolk-looking thing. But no fetus. And no heart beat. I guess I went a little numb and didn't really hear the doctor's opinion. Good thing Joe was there and later explained everything to me again. --I love that man.

So here is what the doc said:
1. I'm not as far along as I thought, which I highly doubt because I am very regular with my periods and was tracking it. Yes. They have an app for that.
2. It's a blighted ovum; I never was pregnant. My body just thinks I am i.e. I still have symptoms.
3. It was a fertilized egg that just stopped growing.

Both Joe and I feel like it is option #2 or #3.

Surprisingly, I've had a couple people ask if I'm relieved. Joe says it's my own fault because I've publicly announced that I didn't want any more kids (he's so compassionate sometimes it kills me a little). But the thing is, I already accepted the idea that I was going to hold baby #3 in my arms around Thanksgiving, that Corban and Jovi were going to have another sibling, this little baby was going to have cousins it's same age on both sides of the family, and planned out how our lives were going to change.

Heartache is never easy. I'm just glad for my faith in a loving and understanding and just God. I'm forever grateful for the covenants I made in the Logan Temple that I can be with my little family forever; that we won't have to say goodbye at the grave.

I've been reading about other women's experiences like this and have grabbed on to a little sliver of hope. We go back in to the doc tomorrow (April 18) to see what we can see.