a hero remembered TB65TWG

I made this card and ordered a geocaching trackable to surprise Joe for Alyn's birthday. And we had the PERFECT spot to drop it off!

Fall in Southern Arizona is hard to come by. But, on top of Mt. Lemmon there are seasons! I kind of begged Joe to take me there since I absolutely heart fall and have not seen nor felt fall for almost three years. We researched geocaches on top of the mountain, packed up the kiddos, and went for a road trip. 

We saw and felt fall.

I thought we could literally drive right to the geocache so I didn't bother packing a stroller or baby sling. What a mistake! Mackenzie was such a trooper but she started to get REALLY heavy after about an hour of carrying her around in our arms. We walked through the gates to the observatory and was instantly met by some kind of security and asked to leave. Wowza! As we searched a way to the cache we saw glimpses of this security guard following us around.

We couldn't find a path to the geocache at first and almost threw in the towel. We ate some lunch and found an easier geocache and tried again. This time Joe ran to the spot and me and the kids stayed in the car and watched "My Little Ponies".

The view from the geocache.

We sure do miss Alyn and think and talk about him almost every day. We hope this trackable makes its way every where, so Alyn's name will always be remembered.

**NOTE: The title of this post is the name of the trackable. If you go to www.geocaching.com, you can enter the trackable ID (the letters and numbers at the end of the name) and see where the trackable travels. 

potty dance

I hate potty training. I love the end result, but I hate all the accidents and mess and everything else! I told Jovi that when she ran out of diapers THAT. WAS. IT! So, as she used a diaper I would tell her how many were left and then she would excitedly tell me that she was going to wear underpants! Well, at least she got the idea of it all. As luck (or punishment, either way you want to look at it) would have it, she ran out of diapers the day before Halloween. 

And so it began. 

Her first sticker!

I printed out a really basic potty chart and stocked up on stickers. Every six spaces I gave her some kind of reward. In the beginning I gave her a treat i.e. something from her Halloween bucket for staying dry and clean and another treat if she went pee or poo inside the potty.

I failed horribly when I potty trained Corban. There were a lot of accidents, threats, and tears. Not my best mommy moment and not a lot of fun. Potty training Jovi was a COMPLETELY different story. She would have accidents, but we're talking she would pee a drip and then stop, go to the bathroom, and pee the rest in the potty.

Six days after we started, Jovi has filled her ENTIRE chart and earned all of her prizes! She even stopped asking for treats.

Never give up! Never give in!

When "Million Dollar Baby" came out I was 22 years old. I loved the story about an underdog making it big in a tough sport, but I HATED. HATED. HATED. how the story ended! My BIL and I got into a pretty heated argument about the pros and cons of an athlete killing themselves because they got hurt. In my book, killing yourself is NEVER an option. Even if you think your life is hard and you think you're not going to experience a good quality of life, suicide should never be an option.

All this hullabaloo about physician assisted suicide makes my blood boil and makes me sad. One of my aunts shared this article on Facebook that summed up pretty much how I feel about the whole situation.

My mom is one tough cookie. She has the type of arthritis that can't be cured, just maintained among several other health issues. She is in constant pain and you can tell when she moves that her body hurts. But she is a mover! She has more energy that I do! She gardens, she goes for walks, she cleans her house, she parties, she does genealogy, and she is there for all 8 of her kids, our spouses, and their 33 grandkids

My mom reading a story to Jovi. She flew down to help me out when I had Makenzie.

My brother, Jeff, was paralyzed from the waist down when he was in his 20s. His outlook on life in the beginning wasn't one of rainbows and unicorns. Instead of giving up, he gave it his all! He got married, had four kids, played basketball for the Wheelin' Utah Jazz, played basketball in the Athens' Paralympics, won tennis tournaments, raced in half marathons, served handicap people around the world and inspired young adults.

My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer five years ago. She went through EVERYTHING and she is still with us today. I know she doesn't want to go through that again. But I also know that she is one of the most happy, sincere, fun people I know.

Celebrating the news that Vickie was cancer free! 

If these family members would have opted for physicians assisted suicide when they were dealt their crappy hands, they would have missed out on all of life's little and big triumphs! The whole reason we are here on this Earth is to gain experience and to PROVE to our Heavenly Father that we can take the muck with the miracles. We can learn. We can grow. We can overcome. We can love. We can forgive.

All this hullabaloo about physician assisted suicide makes me sad. It makes me sad for all those brave people who are fighting their own battles with sicknesses and have to hear the world glorify someone choosing to kill themselves. It makes me sad that someone would kill themselves when there are so many who are murdered everyday who would LOVE one more day with their loved ones; to hold them, to kiss them, to talk to them, to laugh with them.

Never give up! Never give in! Prove it everyday.

stuck

I am a black and white person, right and wrong. I love lists, being organized, and decluttering. I take in a lot of what is happening around me and can feel the energy. It takes me longer to warm up to people, to trust them; and even longer to warm up to people who have lost my trust--I relate to the poor Mr. Darcy in "Pride and Prejudice". I am a black and white person, but lately am living in gray.

I need to make sense of June 8, 2014 but it doesn't. I need to find acceptance of what happened but I can't. I am stuck.

alyn beck

Happy Birthday! In honor of you today, I'm writing your birthday card here. 

Thank you for being a great BIL! Thank you for being you: funny, sarcastic, witty, smart, kind, a master of voices, and fixer of everything! Thank you for being strong and courageous. Thank you for welcoming me into the family and giving me a few heads up on the family skeletons. ;) Thank you for loving Joe and being a wicked awesome example! Thank you for helping us with so many odd and random things. Thank you for being such a great example on how to shoot a gun, how to love the people around you, how to be fun and lighthearted. I miss you.
Love, amber

summer vacation 2014

Joe finally finished his rotation at the local VA hospital and had two weeks before school started. We packed up the car, packed up the kids and drove to Logan, UT.

We drove from Sahuarita, AZ to Las Vegas, NV, 8 hours away. We stopped every couple of hours to feed Makenzie and to just get out of the car. We got to see Nicole and her kids on our way to and from Logan. Corban and Jovi had stickers, markers, crayons, movies, toys, books, and food to keep them pre occupied. 

From Las Vegas we made it to Highland, UT where we got to spend the night with one of Joe's good friends. A new Beck/Maughan friendship was created! The kids ran around and had so much fun! 

We drove to Logan, UT the following day where we met up with family for a picnic and then the adults went to the temple. 

Top Row: Amber, Joe, Scott, Bob, Ron
Bottom Row: Steve, Anna, Bri, Sharity, Charles, Liz, Ruth

I love the temple. It is so peaceful inside and the spirit can be felt so strongly. This was the first time I got to go to the temple since Alyn was murdered. I sat down inside the temple with my family surrounding me and I just cried and cried. I believe that I will be with my family after I die. I believe that God knows each of us and loves us. I believe that Jesus Christ is my Savior and because of his atonement I have the opportunity to repent and to return back into His and my Heavenly Father's presence. 

Sunday we blessed Makenzie. Most of both our families were there and it was AWESOME! One of my sisters drove up from Texas and brought her Yorkie named Tony. I love Tony! He is so fun and thinks he is bigger than he is. He and I had some bonding time before we headed off to church.

After the blessing and the luncheon, a bunch of us headed up Logan Canyon to Tony Grove Lake to complete our cold water challenge for the IPOF and in memory of Alyn. Check out the video on my FB page on August 17. 

Joe and I took our kids to Bear Lake for the next couple of days where we were able to driver over to Afton, WY where we were able to visit Alyn's grave. 

We spent the next couple of days with my parents where we stocked up on Pepperidge Farm goldfish crackers and cookies, relaxed, and chatted. Thursday we then drove to Salt Lake City to welcome home Andrew who returned from two year mission. He and Corban became good buddies when I helped watch my Grandma Allen and Andrew lived with my parents. We got to spend the night with another of Joe's good friends where we laughed so hard my face hurt. We drove back through Las Vegas, NV and finally made it back to Arizona. About 1.5 hours from our house Jovi completely lost it and started screaming! She wanted out of her car seat and out of the car and she was letting all of us know. We got home Saturday night and Joe started school the next Monday.

our new normal

My husband can tell you the exact number of days since Alyn was murdered. I have nightmares of Alyn's death where I play over and over the events of June 8. Recently Alyn's youngest daughter turned one. This is a video Nicole made for her:

This video is hard to watch, but it is good to see Alyn again, to hear his voice. 

People ask how Joe and I are doing. I really don't know how to answer that question. Right now is a kind of transitioning stage where everything feels different and looks different. Joe and I are happy. But it's a different happy with an ever present sadness. Our normal has forever changed and we're just trying to find our new normal.