stuck

I am a black and white person, right and wrong. I love lists, being organized, and decluttering. I take in a lot of what is happening around me and can feel the energy. It takes me longer to warm up to people, to trust them; and even longer to warm up to people who have lost my trust--I relate to the poor Mr. Darcy in "Pride and Prejudice". I am a black and white person, but lately am living in gray.

I need to make sense of June 8, 2014 but it doesn't. I need to find acceptance of what happened but I can't. I am stuck.

alyn beck

Happy Birthday! In honor of you today, I'm writing your birthday card here. 

Thank you for being a great BIL! Thank you for being you: funny, sarcastic, witty, smart, kind, a master of voices, and fixer of everything! Thank you for being strong and courageous. Thank you for welcoming me into the family and giving me a few heads up on the family skeletons. ;) Thank you for loving Joe and being a wicked awesome example! Thank you for helping us with so many odd and random things. Thank you for being such a great example on how to shoot a gun, how to love the people around you, how to be fun and lighthearted. I miss you.
Love, amber

summer vacation 2014

Joe finally finished his rotation at the local VA hospital and had two weeks before school started. We packed up the car, packed up the kids and drove to Logan, UT.

We drove from Sahuarita, AZ to Las Vegas, NV, 8 hours away. We stopped every couple of hours to feed Makenzie and to just get out of the car. We got to see Nicole and her kids on our way to and from Logan. Corban and Jovi had stickers, markers, crayons, movies, toys, books, and food to keep them pre occupied. 

From Las Vegas we made it to Highland, UT where we got to spend the night with one of Joe's good friends. A new Beck/Maughan friendship was created! The kids ran around and had so much fun! 

We drove to Logan, UT the following day where we met up with family for a picnic and then the adults went to the temple. 

Top Row: Amber, Joe, Scott, Bob, Ron
Bottom Row: Steve, Anna, Bri, Sharity, Charles, Liz, Ruth

I love the temple. It is so peaceful inside and the spirit can be felt so strongly. This was the first time I got to go to the temple since Alyn was murdered. I sat down inside the temple with my family surrounding me and I just cried and cried. I believe that I will be with my family after I die. I believe that God knows each of us and loves us. I believe that Jesus Christ is my Savior and because of his atonement I have the opportunity to repent and to return back into His and my Heavenly Father's presence. 

Sunday we blessed Makenzie. Most of both our families were there and it was AWESOME! One of my sisters drove up from Texas and brought her Yorkie named Tony. I love Tony! He is so fun and thinks he is bigger than he is. He and I had some bonding time before we headed off to church.

After the blessing and the luncheon, a bunch of us headed up Logan Canyon to Tony Grove Lake to complete our cold water challenge for the IPOF and in memory of Alyn. Check out the video on my FB page on August 17. 

Joe and I took our kids to Bear Lake for the next couple of days where we were able to driver over to Afton, WY where we were able to visit Alyn's grave. 

We spent the next couple of days with my parents where we stocked up on Pepperidge Farm goldfish crackers and cookies, relaxed, and chatted. Thursday we then drove to Salt Lake City to welcome home Andrew who returned from two year mission. He and Corban became good buddies when I helped watch my Grandma Allen and Andrew lived with my parents. We got to spend the night with another of Joe's good friends where we laughed so hard my face hurt. We drove back through Las Vegas, NV and finally made it back to Arizona. About 1.5 hours from our house Jovi completely lost it and started screaming! She wanted out of her car seat and out of the car and she was letting all of us know. We got home Saturday night and Joe started school the next Monday.

our new normal

My husband can tell you the exact number of days since Alyn was murdered. I have nightmares of Alyn's death where I play over and over the events of June 8. Recently Alyn's youngest daughter turned one. This is a video Nicole made for her:

This video is hard to watch, but it is good to see Alyn again, to hear his voice. 

People ask how Joe and I are doing. I really don't know how to answer that question. Right now is a kind of transitioning stage where everything feels different and looks different. Joe and I are happy. But it's a different happy with an ever present sadness. Our normal has forever changed and we're just trying to find our new normal.

armies of heaven

After the burial and luncheon, a few of us headed back to Scott and Bri's house with hot chocolate in hand; Joe and I with Scott and Bri, and Bob and Liz following behind. I don't know what happened or how it happened. I do know that Scott flipped his car around and Bob and Liz were sideways in a ditch, their car smoking! In a flurry of moments everyone and everything was safe--except their car. We definitely had angels with us that day. Scott even joked that we were keeping Alyn busy. 

We are not alone in this mortal journey. We have a father in Heaven and an elder brother who loves us dearly; they know us individually, they love us individually! We have friends and family who are physically around us who love us as well. I wish with my entire being that Alyn didn't have to be in Heaven right now, but I am comforted to know that he is now part of a heavenly army that is willing and ready to protect each one of us.

may he rest in peace

Star Valley provided their own honor guard. They did a 21 gun salute, played their bagpipes, and gave Nicole these gloves and flag from the casket.

It was cold and windy but beautiful. Spending a week dealing with the sadness and grief didn't lessen it any. The program following the honor guard was brief. We sang "God Be With You 'til We Meet Again" and Alyn's dad dedicated the grave.

Just like that, the past eight, horrific, emotional days were over. Now we had to go home and cope and grieve.

Scott and Bri live in Star Valley. Every week they visit Alyn's grave and place a new flower arrangement. We all live so far away and scattered. Thanks Scott and Bri. You're good people!

on the road again

The plan was to bury Alyn in Star Valley, Wyoming. We all hopped in our cars and drove to Salt Lake City, Utah where we met Nicole, her kids, her parents, and Alyn at the airport. Joe and I drove with Scott and Bri, who are a couple of the nicest, funniest, most generous people I know and I'm proud to call them family. 

The hangar was so big and empty and quiet. Southwest Airlines had a table full of drinks and treats for us and a couple of rows of chairs for us to sit on. When they brought Alyn's casket inside, they draped it with another flag and our family took the casket to the hearse. 

Utah, Idaho, Wyoming, and Nevada police escorted the funeral procession to Star Valley. There were even police and civilians lining the streets and exits as we drove along, their lights flashing, their hands over their hearts, and flag flying.