being happy

I love TEDtalks! I've been purging some of our "stuff" and came across the following notes from Jane McGonigal's talk "The Game That Can Give You 10 Extra Years" in June 2012.

She mentioned "5 Regrets of the Dieing" that hospice workers remember. They are:
1. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
2. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
3. I wish I had let myself be happier.
4. I wish I had the courage to express my true self.
5. I wish I had lived a life true to my dreams, instead of what others expected of me.

She also mention "5 Traits of Post-Traumatic Growth". They are:
1. My priorities have changed -- I'm not afraid to do what makes me happy.
2. I feel closer to my friends and family.
3. I understand myself better, I know who I REALLY am now.
4. I have a new sense of meaning and purpose.
5. I'm better able to focus on my goals and dreams.

She also mentioned "4 Resilience Traits" that people can exercise. They are:
1. PHYSICAL Resilience: Be active and move!
2. MENTAL Resilience: snap 50 times to boost will power.
3. EMOTIONAL Resilience: journal 3 positive things and 1 negative thing.
4. SOCIAL Resilience: get strength from touching someone.

This is such a tender mercy from my Father in Heaven! I have been studying and praying all I can about forgiveness and being happy. I can definitely relate to most of the post-traumatic growth and want to stay away from the regrets.

self esteem

be perfect

There are two scriptures that tell us to be perfect.

Matthew 5:48
"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect."

3 Nephi 12:48
"Therefore I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect."

Notice the differences?

When Jesus Christ is commanding us to be perfect, he is not telling us that we need to bake a million cakes and cookies for the bake sale, be a specific size, volunteer for every little shin dig, have perfect little children who sit perfectly still in church.

Jesus is inviting us to be with him and our father in heaven. And the only way we can make it back to them, to live with them in the Celestial Kingdom, is through the atonement and by being resurrected. Resurrection means finished, complete, whole, fully developed. Being resurrected equals perfection!

Grief/Trauma

I have been struggling with this new experience with all the associated trauma and grief. Some people have asked why I am upset, after all, Alyn wasn't my brother; I've had people try to compare their unique experience with my own; etc. etc. I have thought a lot about grief. This is what I have come up with.

One of my sister-in-laws explained her thoughts about grief being cyclical instead of linear; that she can move forward and upward, but she can still experience bad, hard, awful, triggered moments that move her downward. And then she moves forward and upward again and the cycle repeats.

To me, grief is grief; people are different. One thing can absolutely devastate someone and that same experience, to another person, could be the absolute easiest thing to over come. That being said, I HATE HATE HATE when people try to compare their experience with my own. 

This made me think about grief and trauma like an earth quake: the focus of the event has the most damaging effect, and the further you get away from the focus the less intense it is and the damage gets less and less. BUT, the shock waves of the focus are there and affect a lot more than we could ever imagine.

My goal is to care for those around me, to love them and their experiences, and to help them as best I can. I love in Revelation as John describes the celestial earth and how God the Father will be among us, that he will "wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things (the things as they are right now) are passed away" (21:4). I am praying for that day when wickedness, sadness, grief, and trauma are no longer on this earth and I won't have to watch the people I love suffer!

light of the world

The book of Revelation in the New Testament contains imagery of candlesticks. Imagery is such a powerful teaching tool because one image can mean SO many different things to SO many different people!

To me, you and I and all of us are the candlesticks. We are the instruments, the candlesticks, that hold up the light--which light, we learn in Matthew 5:14-16, is Jesus Christ. This includes our testimony, our example, and our love for each other.

The question is then, how high will you hold up your light?

Satan tries over and over and over to diminish, obstruct, or snuff out our light. This makes me think of the movie "The Never Ending Story" where Atreyu and Artax travel through the swamps of sadness. Satan wants us to give in to the sadness, to just sink into oblivion, but we need to keep the light of Jesus Christ burning brightly in our lives!

Bob Goff mentions dead reckoning in his book "Love Does". He and some of his buddies went on a sailing trip from the U.S. west coast to Hawaii without the proper training or instruments. They relied on fixing on a point and adjusting their course to keep it in sight. We need to keep ourselves turned towards the light of Jesus Christ and ever move toward him! And in His light we can feel that love and lightness and joy and happiness that everyone needs and craves for!

high school volleyball reoccurring dream

I have played volleyball for the majority of my life. I started in 9th grade, played in high school, played club, played in college, and now play pick-up games recreationally. I have had this dream so many times and it feels really authentic. So authentic, in fact, that there have been days where I actually believe I didn't play volleyball in high school! I have had to check year books and photos to sort through my confusion.

I have had the following reoccurring dream on-and-off for the past year:

I'm always in high school. And for some reason, I'm always in the hall ways, like I'm not supposed to be there. I can't remember where my locker is. On the lucky days I do find my locker, I can't remember what the combination is. I usually dial in random numbers and sometimes it opens. Inside the locker I see books, loose paper, pictures of an old locker mate I had in my actual high school, and candy. When the bell rings and people go off to class, I can't remember what class I have or where I'm supposed to go. I randomly pick a class and don't know anything they're talking about. In some version of this dream, some disaster happens (shooting, one of my actual kids is just out my reach to save them from something/someone). Through the entire dream, I am on the volleyball team, but I quit at the end of my junior year. And it almost feels like I drop out of school! I realize what a HUGE mistake I'm made and try and try and try to get back on the team. My coach won't acknowledge me. She won't tell me when try outs are for the following year. She won't let me back on the team. She won't let my teammates talk to me. She avoids me in the hallways. And when I sneak in the gym to practice, practice is cancelled! I finally wake up when I figure out when try outs are.

Diagnose that, Dr. Freud!

"find your Switzerland" C.O.P.S. 2015 Christmas Party

When I called Bob Goff, he told me to find people that I felt comfortable with, that I could be completely open and honest and be me, to find my Switzerland. Joe and I found that group of people with the Concerns Of Police Surviors (COPS) Arizona Chapter. They are amazing people! Who better to understand what we are going through than people who have gone through the exact same thing!

They recently had their Christmas Party. We packed up the kids and went to Phoenix.

We met SANTA.

We got our pictures taken in a photo booth. My favorite picture is the bottom left one. Jovi's face! I love it!

And each of the kids got to stuff a bear. This is Gracie. Jovi loves her.

I kind of don't want to leave Arizona because of this awesome group of people!